


these quiet moments in the dark

by ifthebookdoesntsell



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: (sort of), AU-Ified La La Land Ending, Alternate Universe - La La Land (2016) Fusion, Alternate Universe - Late 1950s, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Inspired by La La Land (2016), Musician!Janis, Period Typical Attitudes, Rejanis, actress!Regina, but happier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27861445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifthebookdoesntsell/pseuds/ifthebookdoesntsell
Summary: At certain moments, Janis feels fingers brush over the back of her neck, down her forearm, over her wrist, and she fights to keep her breath even. Instead, she focuses on Regina’s scent, how she can almost breathe in the scent of future, of longing, of dreams, though it could just be a mix of vanilla and lavender.The feeling between them is so perfect that it’s suffocating, especially knowing that it could be destroyed in a single instant, that perhaps it already has been at the mere thought of the world outside the hold they’ve got on each other.“This night has been one of the best of my life,” Regina murmurs in her ear.Janis doesn’t know how to answer, decidedly only nodding in reply, swallowing the few words on the tip of her tongue, and pulling Regina closer to continue swaying even as other pairs start to vacate the floor.(Or, the La La Land inspired Rejanis AU that takes place in the late 50s, where loving in the dark has to be enough.)
Relationships: Regina George/Janis Sarkisian
Comments: 35
Kudos: 37
Collections: 2020 AW Gift Exchange





	1. we kind of struggle not to shine.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bicadyheron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bicadyheron/gifts).



> heh. hi audrie. you maybe guessed by now that i'm your gift person (or maybe not!) but i know i sent you an excerpt of this a long time ago and you seemed like you like it so i thought i would give it a try and write it. i really hope you like it. it's been great to talk more with you about writing and also just about life. i love you. happy holidays!
> 
> true to form, i got extra this morning and decided to make a [playlist inspired by this fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5FZEfLFMpYgRGRS4piXMwI?si=4QL5TqlxRF2oTRq4d6tHGQ). 
> 
> (additional note added after i finished the fic, updated 12/14/20: 
> 
> below is a list of all the things that inspired me to write this. i really hope that you check out these awesome pieces of art if you haven't already. i promise they'll be well worth your while. [here](https://ifthebookdoesntsell.tumblr.com/post/637537201979293696/a-masterlist-of-all-the-things-that) is a spoiler filled breakdown, if you would like to read about how these things relate to the story!
> 
> 1\. luminescence by jess howard.  
> 2\. orestes by euripides (tr. anne carson)  
> 3\. thunder road (live) by bruce springsteen  
> 4\. no surrender (live) by bruce springsteen  
> 5\. the promised land (live) by bruce springsteen  
> 6\. ocean eyes by billie eilish  
> 7\. baby, you are my religion by marie carter (book), quote from myrna kurland  
> 8\. happiness by taylor swift (off evermore)  
> 9\. tolerate it by taylor swift (off evermore)  
> 10\. la la land dir. damien chazelle )
> 
> (and even if you're not audrie, i hope you enjoy :) )
> 
> (chapter title from an evening i will not forget by dermot kennedy)

“You watch out for her,” the papers say, plastering her name across the front page of the entertainment section and enlarging her photo in all of its black-and-white glory. 

“She’s ravishing,” the men say as they leave the theaters, uncaring of their wives offense. 

“I would like to look like that,” the girls tell their hairdressers, pointing to blonde silky hair, the way it’s fluffed, already wearing lipstick that mimics their idol’s. 

Regina George is an upcoming star. Everybody in the United States with two spare dollars to see a movie is saying so. 

But Janis isn’t sure if she believes it. Not yet.

***

Mr. Carr smiles at her, crooked and overbearing, and it causes Janis to lean further away from him, looking up at the man in his tight button up that accentuates his bulging stomach in all the wrong ways. She suppresses a look of disgust. 

“She’s going to be a big star,” the man says, leaning on Janis’ desk, perhaps a bit too close to be appropriate. She shifts uncomfortably as he continues to speak. “And I know this isn’t your normal scene, but I would appreciate it _so very much_ if you would take this assignment for me.” 

She swallows hard, sneaking a glance at the stack of photographs that her editor had placed on her desk that are all Regina George in various states of dress and undress, bearing a smirk filled with a confidence that makes her nervous. 

“Can you not ask somebody else?” she tries to ask, smoothing her palms over her pencil skirt that she would much rather trade out for a pair of capris were she given the opportunity. “I’m sure any of the men at the corner desk would enjoy this much more than me.” 

Normally, she’d prefer to give any article she didn’t want to Damian, but it’s his off-day and he’s in class. Nevertheless, Janis tries to make it sound like an offer, like she’s being kind, however much the reality of bending to the will of men sickens her. 

Janis idly notices how red and bulbous her editor’s nose is as he opens his mouth to reply, indicative of the fact that he went out to the bar last night, but they end up getting interrupted as his assistant calls him over to take a phone call from his wife. 

“Just take the interview, Janis,” he says roughly. “You need the money anyway, don’t you?” There’s an underlying curiosity to the words, _almost_ a kindness, and the brunette is shocked by it even as she nods. “You’re our best writer. And you’re a performer.” Another nod from Janis. “Then you can probably make her talk.” It’s the most blunt she’s ever heard him. He stands up and calls the rest over his shoulder: “Get us the breaking story we need to stay afloat.” 

_Oh. Of course that’s it._

However much Mr. Carr cares about his writers under the gruff, and often misguided, exterior, all he really wants is the story. 

Janis can’t really fault him for that. 

Money is tight for many right now, and he’s right. She does need to pay her bills since she still lives in the boarding house. 

It’s not like she’s looking for a man to sweep her off her feet. 

She suppresses a snort at the thought. 

Waiting a beat longer for the telltale slamming of Mr. Carr’s door, Janis gets up out of her seat, swatting away the lingering scent of the man’s sickening cologne before approaching the desk to speak with the longtime secretary. 

“Hello Ms. Wedell,” she greets, doing her best to smile. “Is there a time and place set up for the Ms. George interview today?” 

Taylor looks up at her, eyes shining, barely concealing how secondhand starstruck she is that Janis is going to meet _the_ Regina George. She’s a nice girl, untouched by the harder things in life and newly going steady with a young man from the marketing department. 

Some days, Janis wishes they were the same. 

“Actually yes,” the woman says cheerfully. “She said she would appreciate it if you arrived 1 o’clock sharp at Tarts and Tea! It’s on Madison near--” 

Janis waves her off. 

“I know where it is,” she interrupts, trying not to be impolite even as she presses her lips together in annoyance. “Though it is rather expensive.” 

Taylor nods, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear and doing her best to brighten the mood. 

“Even if you don’t get anything, hopefully it will be fun at least to see the place!” She turns her lips up in a half smile. “I hear it’s where all of the big time stars eat.”

The hopefulness of the words makes Janis almost feel sorry for this girl, and it makes her realize that maybe she wouldn’t like to be her at all. Though her ease at conformity is enviable, Taylor is soft, impressionable, and if she continues to work, she’ll be torn up, changed, destroyed. 

“Will do.” Janis tries for sweetness. “Have a good day, Ms. Wedell.” 

“You too,” Taylor answers, and Janis takes a deep breath before heading in the direction of the stairs. She’d dreamed of going to Tarts and Tea in a different capacity, possibly as one of those big stars that the assistant had talked about. 

She steels herself. 

Someday, that _will_ be her: taking an interview, able to pay for whatever she’d like at the café, her own name whispered as she walks down the street as one of those famous Los Angeles musicians she’s wished to become for perhaps a bit too long. 

***

Tarts and Tea isn’t exactly the kind of place where Janis would be considered a regular. It’s sweet looking with its matching silverware and fancy glasses, but she can’t fathom spending as much on a meal as she would on a new dress. It’s known for its tea-- hence the name-- as well as its pastries, and Janis is shocked to see how many recognizable faces she sees scattered around. 

In one of the corner booths is four-time Oscar winner Glen Coco, and in another is the dancer Lizzie Therman, known for her brazen, take-nothing attitude. They both have extremely attractive dates hanging onto their every word, and Janis can’t help but feel even more misplaced that usual. It’s not as if she’s ever felt like she fits in, but surrounded by happy people, the stark contrast of her life’s trajectory hits her. 

She stares at the other women inside the café, all dolled up in their designer dresses, jewelry adorning their necks and wrists. These are the kinds of women that make Janis feel bad about herself, the kinds of women who take three-hour lunch breaks, pay for their own cigarettes. They’re the kinds of women who have never struggled with that sickening thing called fitting in, never had to deal with the terrifying weight of being known. 

They have everything. 

In comparison, Janis has nothing. She works in an office, barely pays her bills, lives in a boarding house with other girls who struggle just as much. And though one day she’s counting on making it big, on hearing herself on the radio, seeing herself on television, she can’t deny that, as time has gone on, her fighting spirit has begun to die. 

Especially seeing all of these women, these women who clearly do not live with the threat of sinful truth escaping its carefully locked box. 

She studies their pearls and their diamonds, their leather purses and fur coats. She imagines that they kiss their husbands hello, are able to take a bath when they arrive home. She watches as they order their tea, sip it idly, and judge all who walk by. 

Janis wipes her palms that have become suddenly sweaty on her skirt. It’s as if she’s an entirely different species from them. 

Clearly, the lady at the hostess stand can tell. 

“Are you in the right place, miss?” she asks, and if Janis weren’t here on business, she definitely would have exchanged words with this woman and her presumptuous, annoyingly fake voice. 

Instead, she just nods, clutching her purse that she treated herself to from Neiman’s a little tighter in her right hand so she doesn’t do something she regrets. 

“I am,” she says, trying to sound more confident than she is. “I’m actually here for an interview with Miss Regina George. I should be on the list.” She sweats a little more under her blouse. “Under S: Janis Sarkisian?”

The hostess takes purposefully long, reading through her reservations with a raised eyebrow. Janis can feel eyes on her, and she already feels like an idiot, waiting to be let into an exclusive place where she obviously doesn’t belong. She shifts uncomfortably for a few more moments before finally, the woman’s finger stops at her name on the sheet. 

“Here you are,” she says, as though surprised. The brunette tries not to grit her teeth. “Come, now. I’ll take you to Ms. George’s private room.”

Now that they’re closer, Janis can read the name-tag on the other woman’s dress: Dawn. It’s a nice enough name, the sort that wouldn’t get her into trouble anywhere. Janis supposes that it’s why the hostess causes it for herself. 

The silence is awkward between them. She tries to fill it. 

“Has Miss George arrived yet?” she asks, hoping that it isn’t the case. 

Her stomach sinks a little when she sees that hostess nod. Janis hates being late. 

“Only a few minutes prior to you,” the hostess says, kinder now that she knows the brunette is really a customer. Janis isn’t so sure how to feel about such a turn of events, but she keeps her mouth shut. “I wouldn’t worry. Miss George always makes a point to be on time. She’s a bit of a… perfectionist, you could say.” 

Once they reach the back, the woman makes a left, pulling a curtain gently aside, and suddenly, there she is in the flesh: Regina George. 

She’s rested across the entire booth, and Janis is shocked at how much room the woman willingly takes up. She has the confidence of a man who just received a raise, her legs uncrossed and slightly spread and her elbows on the table as if she owns the place. 

Janis supposes that in a way, she does. 

The blonde has a sureness about her, one that is unmatched by any woman that Janis has ever met. She allows her eyes to linger on Regina’s legs for what’s definitely too long to be proper, gaze trailing over soft skin, over subtle imperfections that are never shown in the papers. 

Finally, she tears herself away, just in time for Regina to open her mouth and speak. 

“You’re tall,” she observes, waving for Dawn to leave them. “You sounded short on the phone.”

For a moment, Janis basks in the coolness of the other woman’s voice, in how easily it flows.

She convinces herself that it’s just because this is who she would like to be one day. Her eyes flicker up to pretty, soft features as she shakes her head in reply. 

“I actually never spoke to you on the telephone, Miss George,” she corrects kindly, shifting from foot to foot under an intense gaze. “You must be thinking of Ms. Wedell, the office assistant.” 

“Well is she short?” Regina asks without missing a beat, pointing to the chair across from her in a gesture that demands Janis sit down. 

“Yes, rather, actually,” Janis answers, moving around toward the table so she can take a seat. She fumbles a little with her notebook, placing it down as her hands tremble. She can still feel Regina looking at her, and when she finally settles, she looks up and meets blue eyes head on. 

Everything zooms in. 

Janis’ breath catches, and her soul feels on fire, burning in all of the best ways. Regina’s eyes are wise, gorgeous, the sort that are made for getting lost in. They hold tragedy; they hold life; they hold guarded hope. Janis’ right hand tremors a little more where it’s rested against the oak of the table. 

Regina narrows her eyes playfully. 

It makes Janis feel too much. 

She blushes, tearing her gaze away, a disarming chill traveling all the down to her toes. 

Even as she forces herself not to look back at Regina’s face, that doesn’t stop her from observing the rest of the woman. Her features are pronounced, perfect for the movies in the way that Janis couldn't even look away if she tried. Her hair falls in gentle waves, barely past shoulder length and glowing under the soft sunlight coming through the window to her left. 

But in actuality, what makes Janis’ foot tap under the table, what makes her _stare_ , is the outfit. Regina is known pretty much everywhere-- even in the circles Janis is in-- for her ability to make anything à la mode, and today isn’t any different. 

It _shouldn’t_ work. It isn’t even proper. And yet, it does. Regina’s top clings to her chest so tightly that Janis isn’t even sure that it could be considered a top, and it’s adorned with soft blue and white vertical stripes that accentuate her curves and make her seem taller than she is. The collar is starched, perfect in how it’s standing, enough to give a good view of the smooth plane of her neck and collarbones even as brown eyes linger too long on a slim waist and full breasts. 

Janis can feel a sure kind of confidence radiating off of Regina in waves, and it makes her heart pump faster even as she manages to look away and fixate her gaze on a slightly more proper place: Regina’s smile. 

The blonde seems pleased with how speechless her lunchmate is, and with those lips that are framing her grin painted a pretty pink and dark makeup around her eyes, Janis is aware that Regina George could bring anybody to her knees. 

She tries to ignore the little voice that includes her in _anybody._

“What do you think?”

The shyness of her voice surprises Janis out of her stupor. 

“Sorry?” 

“What do you think of the blouse?” Regina chuckles. “I was given it several days ago, and I thought I would try it out today.” She presents herself slightly, pulling her shoulders back to give Janis an even better view of the glowing tan skin just above the collar. “Do you think it looks nice on me?” 

Janis smiles softly. “It’s wonderful on you,” she compliments politely. “Though I cannot imagine I would ever wear such a thing myself.”

Regina looks at curiously. 

“Why not?” Her tone isn’t accusatory at all, merely curious, eager, as if she hasn’t had somebody treat her normally in so long that she can barely remember how it feels. 

Shrugging, Janis tries to form her words, doing her best to continue to be professional while also remaining honest. 

“It’s not exactly something that would sit well in the office,” she finally answers, tapping the fingers of her left hand on the table softly. “It’s very nice. I just think it deserves to be seen by people who will appreciate it.” She chuckles a little, striving to keep her words light. “Not to mention that I work with mostly men. Many of them are fine people, but you know how editors can be.” 

Regina seems to understand right away, nodding a bit regretfully. 

“Unfortunately, I do,” she replies, leaning forward slightly so her elbows are on the table. Again, this should feel improper to Janis, but she can’t find it in herself to care. “It is one of the reasons I was delighted to hear that a woman would be the one interviewing me. Ordinarily, I am asked about my dates, or who I’m sweet with, which, by the way, nobody.” The words are final, much like everything the blonde does. “But it can be tiresome to answer the same questions many times over.” 

Janis is at a loss for words. Though those questions hadn’t been the central point of her interview, the rough outline she had been given did leave room for it. Still, the first thing she learned in training was to keep the subject happy, so she just smiles, clicks open her pen and writes down in large, neat cursive: _nobody, tired of being asked._

She flips the pad around to Regina. “I will be quite sure to write a large section about this _very_ pressing item.” Her heart soars at the sound of soft, genuine laughter. The woman’s smile is brilliant, and Janis can tell it’s a real one by the way her lip curls up on the right a little more than the left. “I regret to inform you that our interview is now over.” 

Janis bites her lip around a grin, watching as Regina’s eyes light up further. 

The blonde plays along. “Must you go so soon?” she faux-laments. “You are part of an entertainment magazine, are you not? Don’t you want to hear about my new film?” 

“Pardon?” Janis fakes. “Are you an actress?” Widening her eyes in faux-awe, she puts her pen to paper once more. “What’s the best part about it?” She looks up nervously upon seeing that a smile is still playing on Regina’s lips and that blue eyes seem to be studying her with an intensity that makes her squirm slightly. She tries to make her gaze kind, prompting gently: “Miss George?” 

“Nice interviewers like you,” the woman sweet talks, seemingly quite satisfied with the way it makes Janis’ cheeks grow pink. “Though a close second is most definitely the travel and filming on location.” 

Janis stops to write that into her notes, sending a quick smile to a waitress who comes by to drop honey and lemon for the tea they’re presumably going to order. 

“Which one has been your favorite?” 

“I suppose California,” the woman considers, though these words seem far more forced and unattached than the previous ones from before the official questions began. “The people are as nice as they can be. Good sun. Food is absolutely delicious.” She plays with her hands absently. “Speaking of, what would you fancy off the menu?” 

“Anything you’d like,” Janis answers, jotting down a few more notes. She isn’t sure if Regina is going to pay, and if she isn’t, there isn’t much the brunette can afford off the menu besides a cup of tea and a single pastry. 

Not that she’s going to tell the blonde that. 

“You’re so delightful,” Regina says softly, clearly impressed. She waves the waitress over who was lingering in the hall. “Hello. We’d like a pot of your finest black tea-- bring some milk and sugar for it, would you?-- a platter of scones and your special pastries, and perhaps some warmed cider to finish.” She winks at Janis. “My treat.” 

It happens so fast that Janis doesn’t have time to refuse, though she does voice concern over the last item. 

“You’re very kind, but I do have to return to work later. I’m not sure I should drink.”

Regina shrugs. 

“It’ll be only a little. I promise!” Janis is in awe of how wholly unbothered she seems. “Now, ask me your next question.”

Briefly, Janis hesitates, but the actress seems more invested in their conversation, now, so she isn’t going to resist. 

“Well, uh,” the brunette starts nervously. “I guess I would like to know how you got your start? Nobody really discusses it much in the papers.” 

Regina’s eyes light up. 

“You’re right there, Ms. Sarkisian,” she says, voice light, and Janis’ heartbeat catches at little at the way her last name sounds coming from the other woman’s mouth. “Well, I got my start down at the North Club and Theater owned by my dear friend Ron.”

“Ron Duvall?” Janis asks in surprise. 

“Yes,” Regina answers, just as shocked. “Are you acquainted? 

Janis nods, suddenly shy. This interview is supposed to be about _Regina_ , and though she normally isn’t one to reveal things about her own life during work functions, the curious look in the blonde’s face is enough to make her break her own rules. Rules, because she’s definitely breaking more than one by staring at Regina in places and ways she shouldn't. 

She shakes the thought off. 

“I performed there several times last year,” she supplies. “Music, with a few schoolmates. I’m hoping to book some other shows there in the next few months. I play jazz, mostly piano.” 

She doesn’t know why she’s saying so many things that Regina didn’t even ask to hear, but unexplainably, she’s already extremely comfortable in the other woman’s presence. She’s about to change the subject when she sees a glimmer of recognition in blue eyes and then--

“I knew I’d seen you before!” the blonde says excitedly. “I go to shows at the club from time to time. You were there last spring, right? You were so gorgeous with the lights on you…” Regina trails off, looking as if she just said something quite offensive. “I mean, you’re very talented.”

Janis blushes, wiping her left hand-- which is sweaty from taking notes-- on her skirt underneath the table. “Thank you. That’s very kind.”

Regina waves off the words as if to say _no trouble._

“You sang too, did you not?” Janis nods; the compliments continue. “You really are very good! What on earth is the point of you interviewing some girl like me?”

“You’re not just some girl,” the brunette refutes. “Don’t sell yourself short. You’re quite successful. The papers and the moviegoers love you! Besides, it’s really very nice to meet you, even if I only took this job for pocket and bill money.” 

A corner of Regina’s mouth turns up on a half smile, as if she doubts the words but is trying to be polite. “How are you so kind?” she asks, though clearly not expecting an answer. “I’m afraid I could never be so. Especially now, I feel quite empty without my usual work.” 

Janis understands the emotions fully. It’s how she feels after a spell without any bookings, her only paychecks coming in from her job at the magazine. She tries to lighten the conversation. 

“Well, everyone seems to be saying that we should watch out for you,” she says, smiling. “Any clue what that means?” 

The question makes Regina laugh, and it causes Janis’ fingers to twitch they’re clutching her pen tightly. 

“I couldn’t tell you if I tried, Janis,” the woman replies lightly, and Janis relishes the way her name sounds off of perfect pink lips. For some odd reason, she’s inexplicably thrilled that they’re at first names. 

She had dreaded taking this interview, but now, Janis finds that this is the most fun and fulfillment she’s had since her last show a few months ago. Regina is sweet and beautiful, respectable but so relatable. And yet, there’s still a magnetism about her, a mystery, and it dawns quickly on Janis that she’s already being drawn in, that she wants to know more, that she can feel a connection already beginning to form. Still, that’s not what she’s here for. And it would be severely inappropriate. 

She’s here to be a professional, to get answers. So that’s what she sets out to do instead of contemplating any more the odd but pleasant feeling spreading through her. 

“I normally do a quick biography section at the beginning of my articles,” she informs the actress, doing her best to get them back on track before anything else happens that makes either of them wonder that which could be considered improper. “After that, we can talk about your new film. Does that seem alright?” 

“It does,” Regina agrees, though she does seem regretful that they’re getting back to professional matters. She smiles a bit when she sees a waiter returning with a china pot-- presumably filled with the tea that she ordered-- with the cups to match. Even Janis’ stomach grumbles when she catches the scent of sugary goodness coming through the door as well. 

“The cider will be out momentarily, miss,” the man says, dusting his hands off on his apron. “I hope that you enjoy.”

“Thank you, sir,” Regina replies, throwing him a smile so bright that he blushes. He stumbles out, and the blonde just clears her throat, unaware of how dumbfounded Janis is at the interaction. “I do very much love this place. My mother used to serve tea and cakes when I was young.” 

“Where is it that you’re from?” Janis asks, completely forgetting about the interview for a moment. Of course, Regina hasn’t. 

“Off or on the record?” she teases. 

“How about we say halfway?” the brunette answers. She doesn’t normally do such a thing, but there’s a softness about Regina, as if she’s aching to tell her truth but not ready for it to be out there. She understands the feeling. “I’ll take down the basic deals and forget the rest.” 

Regina giggles at that, and it makes Janis feel as though she’s basking in warm sunlight. “That would be wonderful.” 

She pours some tea for herself, adding some honey, lemon, and a single sugar cube before she passes the pot to Janis, biting her lip around a smile when Janis grimaces at the heat of the porcelain. The blonde brushes fingers over the inside of the journalist’s wrist, and it takes everything inside of Janis to keep her breath even. Regina grabs several pastries and puts them on her plate, doing the same for the brunette as she begins speaking once more. 

“Let’s see. What is interesting about me?” she asks herself, stirring with the little silver spoon that gets set with each place. Janis is pretty sure it's worth more than half her salary. “I’m from a rather small Midwestern town. My father returned after deployment when the war was over, and I spent most of my time at church and school.” Regina looks as if she’s trying to write her childhood while she’s speaking. Janis doesn’t push; she resolves that the actress is her source, and if that source is sharing information, that’s all she can ask for. “It was alright, mostly.” The blonde sounds like she’s trying to urge herself to remember it that way. “There were jungle gyms and ice cream parlors. What more could I ask for?” 

She takes a sip of her tea, waving with her other hand for the next question. 

“Were you trained in acting since you were young?”

“Lord no,” Regina laughs, sounding like she’s just been told a joke. “My parents wished for me to stay in town my whole life. Find a nice man and wait for him to ask for my hand. You know the whole arrangement.” There’s a sadness behind the statement even as she tries to seem carefree. “My father especially wished for me to give him grandchildren. But I knew it wasn’t for me.” She chuckles humorlessly, looking down. “Gosh, you must think terribly of me.” 

Janis shakes her head quickly. “Of course not. I believe everybody longs to see the world. Is that not why you came to the city?” 

Nodding, Regina cuts off a section of pastry and chews thoughtfully. “I suppose. Though home always felt quite suffocating, to be honest. The reason was as much to leave as it was to come.” 

“I’m sure it was still a difficult choice,” Janis answers softly. 

“At certain points it was,” Regina concedes. “But I am quite content now.” 

Janis isn’t sure who she’s trying to convince. She’s unsure how to proceed, so she just sips her tea-- which is admittedly very good-- for a few moments. 

“When was it that you left?” Janis hopes she isn’t crossing any boundaries by asking. The last thing she wants to do is make Regina upset when she’s been growing increasingly comfortable. 

“I was seventeen.” She says it flippantly, as if it weren’t out of the ordinary. “I spent a couple months making my way here, working extra jobs. The only problem was that I was never quite suited for real life. Being yourself is often an insurmountable task.” The waiter returns with two mugs of cider, and Regina takes hers from him immediately to try it. “It’s why I adore the city. Nobody cares about you in the city unless you decide to give them a reason.”

“And what reason would that be for you?” Janis wonders. 

Regina shrugs. “I suppose I could do a film here. Though many in this city know me deeply, so that may not be the grandest of ideas. There are several things I’d like to keep to myself.”

The sentence makes Janis’ left hand quiver so much so that she has to restart the note she was on. 

She already has enough information to write an article worthy of the front pages of the magazine. The only problem is that she can’t bring herself to end this. Normally, she’d happily close up her bag and leave, say thank you to her subject. Instead, she takes hold of her mug of cider and sips.

“Tasty, isn’t it?” Regina asks. “Makes me feel as though Christmas Mass is just around the corner.”

Janis nods in agreement, drinking more, already aware of the impending ache that’s going to take hold between her temples. She relaxes into her chair, and it makes the blonde perk up. 

“So,” she starts. “Why not tell me a bit about yourself since we’re here?” 

Janis hesitates, but Regina's eyes look so genuine, so sure that they'd like to know somebody new, that she simply cannot resist. 

"Well, I was also born west of here," she begins.

Regina nods and gesturing for her to go on. Janis feels heard for the first time.

***

The air is crisp and cool in Madison Square Park as Janis follows Regina along one of the paths towards a cart that sells soda pop, hamburgers, hotdogs, and popcorn. They’re both a little past tipsy from the cider, which is why the brunette didn’t try to go back to the office right away. 

She can write it off to Mr. Carr as part of the interview, anyway. 

“I’d already like something else to eat,” Regina declares. “I may not look it, but my appetite is quite large.” 

She walks faster than Janis despite being in heels, confident and composed even in her slight inebriation. Her skirt is shorter than could be seen below the table, and it’s quite difficult for brown eyes to stay away from tight-clad thighs. She swallows hard. 

“Let me pay.” 

Janis is unsure where it comes from. It’s not like she’s ever one to splurge, and she can barely afford it with what’s in her purse. Her tipsy self wonders if she could write it off as an office expense. 

They take one of the few empty benches to eat together for the second time this afternoon, a hamburger for Janis, a hotdog for Regina-- dressed with relish, mustard and ketchup-- and a tall glass bottle of grape soda for the blonde too. 

Janis can’t help but grow enamored by this other side of the actress, the corners of her mouth quirking up as Regina almost drops her hotdog and licks some stray ketchup off her finger. Regina looks over at her, smiling back with a curiosity. 

“What is it?” 

Embarrassed, Janis shrugs. “Nothing. You are just… different than I expected.” 

“How am I different?” 

It feels like dangerous territory. 

Janis breathes in deep. 

“Honestly, you are kinder than I expected,” she confesses quietly. “It’s relieving, compared to some of the other interviews I’ve had to do for the magazine.”

Regina snorts quietly, polishing off her hotdog in one final bite and swallowing. 

“I will admit that at times I can be not so kind.” She looks regretful. “I wish I could be. But sweetness doesn’t make it in my industry.”

“I could use some of that,” Janis says back, chewing slowly. “I often agree to that which I don’t even want to do.” 

“Well, an opinionated woman will always have her problems with the public as well.” Regina takes a sip of her pop. “The press runs awful articles about me, though most of them are not even remotely truthful.” 

Janis grimaces. “I have read several of those pieces,” she admits. “I’m very sorry.” 

“Do not apologize for what is not your fault,” Regina answers surely. 

“But am I not allowed to feel bad? You clearly don’t deserve it.” Janis tries not to sound too impassioned. 

“Maybe not, but I was cruel, once.” The blonde’s dejection is so clear that it makes Janis’ heart ache. “I have been striving to be better, though.” 

It’s obvious she’d like to change the subject. It feels like they’re getting in too deep for a first meeting.

“I should return to work,” Janis says, quietly disappointed. “My boss will be expecting me soon, and I am sure that you are needed elsewhere.” She hopes she isn’t imagining the regret written across Regina’s pretty features. 

“Not very much, but I should likely rest before any more engagements I have.” The actress pauses, contemplating her next words. “Could I return you money for my lunch?” 

This time, it’s Janis waving her off. “No need. I am only glad that we enjoyed ourselves.” 

They walk in lock-step back towards Madison. Regina gets the attention of a cabbie. 

“Are you not going to get in?” Janis asks once safely in the backseat. 

The blonde shakes her head, bending down quickly to peck the journalist on the cheek. Her lips are soft, and the movement simultaneously feels burning and relieving. Janis closes her eyes, trying to commit the smell of Regina’s perfume to memory. 

“I would rather enjoy walking some more in this weather.” She smiles. “Thank you for this afternoon. You are so kind.”

“Of course.” Janis is unsure what more to say. 

“I know the article will be great. I look forward to meeting again.” Regina pulls back, grabbing the door to shut it.

Janis doesn’t know why they would ever meet again, but she doesn’t argue. She opens her mouth to say farewell, but by the time she does, the door is shut and she can only watch Regina walk back towards Madison Square Park-- this time, alone. 

***

“This is quite wonderful,” Carr tells her, reading over the draft Janis had written out last night. “She clearly felt quite comfortable. She is _never_ this forthcoming. She must have liked you.”

Janis coughs hard, trying to quiet her blush as she averts her gaze. If her boss knew how deep she’d gone with Regina she doubts he would be as pleased with her work as she is. 

What she ended up submitting was only a page and a half, barely enough to cover the first hours of their interview. It included several facts about Regina that no other publication had released yet as well as a few stories from her childhood that Janis had gotten the OK to use. 

Janis knows it isn’t normally her style to leave things out, but she rationalizes the change by telling herself that it’s important to create a strong bond with her subject. 

“I liked her as well,” Janis replies carefully. “She’s a fantastic storyteller.” 

Carr smiles at her, surprisingly kind. “I knew you’d end up enjoying this story! Which is good, because I’m putting you on all future assignments with her.” 

Janis forces herself not to grin back, her heart pumping a mile a minute. “Thank you so much, sir! I would be so glad to meet with her again.” 

Their conversation seems to be at an end. She stares at her work on the desk for a few more moments before she turns to leave. 

“Oh!” Carr calls. “Pardon me, I totally forgot about this last detail.” He hands her a stack of photos. “You can take the day to think about it, or tell me now, but these are the photographs I sent Christian take yesterday. It would be best if we had two for the spread. I’d like you to pick.” 

Janis carefully flips through the proofs of the images. The first two are nothing like the Regina she met. The woman looks uncomfortable in her own skin, dressed up in a skirt and blouse that was different from the outfit she wore out. Her smile is almost a grimace, and though she looks pretty, Janis shakes her head and keeps flipping. 

Finally, on the last two, she feels her breath catch the way it did when she met the blonde yesterday. Regina’s eyes are bright, and she’s leaned up against a wooden door that’s intricately patterned, looking relaxed but also somehow powerful. The first iteration is simple, and the second is with her head tipped back slightly, clearly caught mid-sentence. 

Janis can imagine how pretty pink lips twitched as they tried not to grin too brightly, can imagine the way Regina probably laughed when it was all over and patted Christian’s shoulder in a thank you. 

She hands back Carr the two prints. 

“These two are best,” she tells him. “Tell Christian that they’re beautiful.”

***

Miss Norbury always lets Damian into the tenement despite her rule that no men are allowed in past afternoon. She makes the same exception for Cady, the other single girl who’s employed downtown at the school. The landlady’s only other requirement is that they stay in the kitchen on the first level. 

Though Janis knows that even if she were to bring Damian upstairs, absolutely none of the fears Norbury has would ever be validated. Not that she would ever tell the woman that. 

“I wish I had gotten that interview,” her best friend laments. “Those actor-types always adore me! It’s like they know that I am one of their kind.” His eyes dart to where Miss Norbury is now occupied at the door before lowering his voice to a whisper. “How was she, really? Is she as beautiful as they say she is?” 

Janis shrugs. “What would you like me to say, Damian?” she swirls her tea in her mug. This one is metal, not anything like the fancy porcelain that she used while interviewing Regina. “Would you like me to tell you that she is gorgeous? And wonderful and far more kind than the papers make her out to be? Is that what you’d like me to say?” 

Damian’s features brighten into a grin while Janis’ darken to a deep shade of red. 

“I knew you’d like her!” he gloats, trying not to laugh. “I knew you would develop a thing for her.”

“Hush!” Janis reprimands. “Besides, I do not have _a thing_ for her! She was just different than I expected, alright? Nice. Generous. Much more human than anybody wishes to say.”

“Oh please, Janis. Stop denying it,” he urges. “We moved five years ago, and you still act as though we're back home. New York is different, better! You should consider living a little.” 

He tries to seem nonchalant, sitting back in his chair slightly, though Janis can recognize the kind of fear in his eyes without a second glance. It’s the same kind that resides in her own. 

“But what about when I break from the line?” she asks even as Damian waves off the words. “I’m serious! One day, I’ll be performing in larger places than the North Club!” She recalls what Regina told her earlier. “Secrets are not easily kept in New York City. Not once people have a reason to pay attention to you.” 

She can tell that her words are starting to affect Damian, can see the worry wrinkle on his forehead forming. He looks quite different from how he did in high school, wiser, rougher, like he’s been toughened up by the amount of disappointments he’s faced, like New York is not as grand a plan as originally thought. 

They’re each other’s oldest friends, growing up together in their tiny town, attending the same school from when they were in kindergarten until their high school graduation. The older generation often talked of them, how odd they were, but it was never worth it to engage. 

They always told each other things would be better once they got out of town. 

While some of that is true-- the chatter is less-- the overwhelming pressure of belonging still hangs over both of them every day they step outside the confines of their boarding houses. 

It’s what prompts Damian to remind his best friend of an earlier conversation. 

“Janis,” he starts, softer, more gentle. It’s the sort of voice he only ever uses for her. “Have you given any more thought to what we… what we talked about?” 

The woman almost flinches. “I told you I didn’t want to discuss the matter any further, Damian. We’ll regret it. We’ll end up resenting each other. Shouldn’t we strive for better than that?” 

Several weeks ago, Damian had told Janis about a pair he met at one of those parties he attends that’s location is always a mystery-- they always refer to them as _one of those parties_ and nothing more because it’s too difficult to acknowledge why they’re secret-- who married shortly after arriving in the city despite holding no romantic interest in each other. 

Jackson is gay, and he doesn’t want to lose his job, and Audrey, his legal wife, has already been seeing somebody else for quite some time. 

They’re self-proclaimed best friends. 

The words are what have caused Damian to consider it so heavily. 

“A relationship that we can show evidence of on paper could be the solution, Janis,” he presses. “We could afford somewhere to live, know each other’s personal matters.” He tries to sound hopeful, though his friend can hear how exhausted, how terrified he really sounds. “We could have security. We could be happy!” 

Janis places her hands flat on the table and tries to breathe in deep. “But what happens when we meet people we really love? What if we want children? We’d be happy in the immediate, Damian.” Her fingers drum on the wood. “But in five years? Ten?” 

“I spoke to Audrey and Jackson again,” he whispers. “They’re contemplating having a child. For her and her… companion to love and care for.” He places his hand over hers, effectively quieting the incessant tapping. “They’re just like us, Jan. They’re getting what they want. Why can’t we?” 

_Just like us._

The weight of the words hit Janis at full force. She remembers the whispers from back home, about how nobody could possibly be as odd as the Sarkisian girl and the Hubbard boy, that there’s simply nobody else out there who acted as they did. 

Janis supposes that evidence of others like her should be comforting, but it just makes her heart ache for those that are hurting in the same way she does, ache for the almost sure confirmation that there have _always_ been people like her and Damian, hiding in back rooms and closets, keeping to themselves for fear of showing what light-- and love-- they had inside. 

Janis can’t imagine giving in like that, at least not so much so that her surrender to the societal pressures could have a name, could be marked in a history book one day. 

Most days, she has thoughts like this. She has to believe that one day there will be stories written about their time, about how terrible things were, about the cruelty of the world. She has to believe that she and Damian-- and Audrey and Jackson-- will become cautionary tales of a society that did not hold acceptance in its heart. 

She has to believe things will become better. 

There’s no way that the world could stay like this forever. 

The idea is simply too unjust and painful to even fully consider.

Damian can tell she’s spaced out. He squeezes her hand. 

“I apologize for pushing,” he says quietly. “I love you.” 

She squeezes back. 

“I love you as well.” 

Miss Norbury gives the pair a stern look, wandering back over worriedly. “Almost done?” she asks. 

“Just about.” Damian smiles, trying to put her at ease. 

“I trust you’re not getting up to anything funny with each other,” she reminds. 

Janis and Damian look at each other with matching expressions of amusement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that you liked what you've read so far! if you did, consider leaving me a comment/kudo down below. it would make me smile. 
> 
> thanks for being my friend, audrie! i really hope this was alright and that your bi self likes period pieces ;) 
> 
> (yes, that's why si and i asked that one time.)
> 
> as always, i'm @ifthebookdoesntsell on tumblr. my askbox is always open for whatever is on your mind.


	2. a safe place.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Regina?” Janis asks into the phone. “Why did you call?”
> 
> There’s a quiet considering happening on the other end of the line, a hesitation. 
> 
> “I was wondering if you would like to go out tonight. I would love your company.” 
> 
> Janis quivers under the weight of the words. She nods absently, swallowing, before feeling like a fool when she remembers that Regina can’t see her. 
> 
> “I would be glad to go out tonight,” she says, her voice tight. 
> 
> “Fantastic!” Regina sounds genuinely excited. “I will come by later today. What hour should I ring?” 
> 
> (Or, the one where they go out together for the first time.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends. it's friday for me. happy friday! honestly, i think it was a bit of a rough week for everybody, so i thought i'd provide a bit of a pick-me-up heading into the weekend. i hope that you enjoy. 
> 
> (the title for this chapter comes from "a safe place to land" by sara bareilles and john legend (which is on the playlist for this fic) as well as this quote that i read once from an interview with a woman named myrna kurland in a book called _baby, you are my religion_ by marie cartier during my gender and sexuality studies: 
> 
> _"‘I would get up at one or two a.m. and I would call every gay bar I had the number to from the 1940s. I wouldn’t say anything. I would just stay on the phone and listen to the sounds in the background. I would stay on until they hung up, and then I would call another one of my numbers, until I had called all the numbers I had … That phone. Those numbers. That was my lifeline … It meant there was a place somewhere — even if I couldn’t go there — that place was out there. I could hear it. Freedom.’ She called the bars two to three times a week like this — for fourteen years.”_
> 
> i don't think it'd be a reach at all to say that i based certain parts of janis directly on this even though it isn't something i've actively thought about in several years. i hope that provides some context for why i wrote her the way i did.)

“Janis?” Cady knocks, poking her head inside. “Miss Norbury said to tell you that there’s a Regina on the telephone waiting for you?” 

Janis smudges the sentence she’s on in her rough draft, muttering angrily to herself as she tries to wipe blue ink from the palm of her hand. 

It’s Saturday afternoon, two weeks since her interview with the blonde beauty. Most days, she thought of how Regina said that they would meet again, and yet, she hadn’t expected it to be this soon.

She didn’t even give the boarding house phone number to anybody associated with the actress. She has no idea how she got it. Nevertheless, she rushes downstairs, picking up the phone with her right hand which remains undirtied. 

“Hello, this is Janis Sarkisian on the line,” she utters into the receiver, unsure if she expects to hear the soft, attractive voice of Regina or that of a prankster. 

“Good afternoon, Janis.” It’s the former. Janis feels her heart stutter. “I am truly sorry that I have not reached out earlier. I did not realize how much press I would have to do away from the city.”

“That is no problem at all,” Janis answers, doing her best to sound composed. She hadn’t expected to hear from Regina until another interview. This is already better than she could have ever hoped. Scratching her nose absently, she rubs blue ink across her face. She curses under the breath, trying not to grin too hard when she hears the other woman giggle. Stuttering, she tries to recover. “Where was it that you travelled to?”

“California, mostly. It was quite warm for winter,” she complains. “I am quite happy to be back here. Anonymity is nice.” 

There’s an idle lull in the conversation where Janis is unsure what to say. Regina doesn’t seem in a hurry either. The line crackles.

“Regina?” Janis asks into the phone. “Why did you call?”

There’s a quiet considering happening on the other end of the line, a hesitation. 

“I was wondering if you would like to go out tonight. I would love your company.” 

Janis quivers under the weight of the words. She nods absently, swallowing, before feeling like a fool when she remembers that Regina can’t see her. 

“I would be glad to go out tonight,” she says, her voice tight. 

“Fantastic!” Regina sounds genuinely excited. “I will come by later today. What hour should I ring?” 

By the time the conversation is over, Janis can’t contain herself any longer, a grin spreading across her face as she places the phone down and bounds up the stairs to get ready. 

***

“I was simply overjoyed when you said yes on the telephone this morning,” Regina tells her quietly, voice low and sweet. She’s leaning close to speak, and Janis can’t stop staring at her smile, can’t stop her breath from catching slightly. “I must admit that I was a tad worried you would decline my offer.” 

“And I was worried just the same amount that you were joking about going out together.” 

Regina looks at her, puzzled. 

“Why would I make a joke of such a thing?” 

Janis shrugs, cheeks flushing as she averts her gaze. The sun is just starting to set. The days in the city are always shorter in the winter, and the chilly night air is one of the best parts about it. She fidgets slightly. “I don’t know,” she begins. “You’re in the pictures! You must have others that would be much more attuned to your lifestyle to spend time with?” 

Regina reaches down to adjust her stocking. “I don’t particularly enjoy their company,” she confesses. “They’re often rude, exclusive. They can find one thousand ways to make you feel bad about yourself.” She smooths out a wrinkle on her dress. “I much prefer those who work for work’s sake.”

“Well, one day I hope not to, as you say, work for work’s sake,” Janis admits, trying to keep her voice even. “I’m going to sell out clubs and theatres.” 

She waits for the scoff, for the disingenuous laughter, for the judgement. Instead, Regina just nods. 

“I believe you will too. All that dedication means something, Janis.” Her words are quiet, understanding. “Like I said last time we spoke: you’re quite beautiful. Talented as well. You have that… _je ne sais quoi_ about you.” Janis tries hard not to burn up at the compliment. “I think that we can still be friends, even after you break from the line. You don’t seem so enamoured by the money.” 

“I’m glad of that,” Janis answers. “I’m more inclined to it because it’s been my greatest aspiration since I was young.” She smiles. “Though, if we are going to be friends, I may as well confess something to you as well.” 

Regina raises an eyebrow. “Oh?” 

“I have always hated the movies.” 

The words make Regina laugh the hardest that Janis has ever seen, and both women can tell already that this is a night that will be forever different from the rest. 

***

The club is further out of the way than Janis expected, lit softly with music playing so loud from the jukebox that it’s difficult to think. It’s not the sort of place she’s ever frequented before, as it seems much more like an adult establishment for those who wish to have fun without all of the trouble that often comes with it. 

She’s relieved that nothing about it seems like the kind of places Damian goes to-- she’s always been too afraid to come along, reducing her time of experiencing it to just a single phone call per week, though it often turned to many more, to at least knowing that there’s a place out there for people like her-- but it’s still nice to see that nobody seems to be paying any mind to their neighbor at the bar or on the dance floor. 

Regina strides in front of her, and for barely a second, Janis allows herself to just _look_ , to just _want--_ to want to discover what it feels like to have the woman beneath her, to observe if her eyes look as blue up close as they do from afar, to test if she’s ticklish-- to just _know_ what it’s like to touch somebody and to feel everything. 

She pushes the thought from her mind before it can take hold completely. 

“Where are we?” she asks instead, looking for some kind of indicator. 

“Oh the sign fell down years ago,” Regina laughs, speaking over the beat heavy music thumping through the room. “We just call it Shane’s Place now!” She leads Janis along. “I’ve been a regular here since I moved to the city. Everything on the menu is fine, but what you really come here for is the dancing. It’s absolutely _grand.”_

Janis stumbles a little at the prospect of being on the dance floor with Regina, mostly because she knows it won’t be the kind of dancing she’s used to-- the kind with the careful distance between, with soft movements and measured steps. She knows it will be the kind of dancing that will force her close to the other woman, knows there is a certain sort of curiosity in the air mixed in the scent of smoke and greasy bar food. 

“You like dancing, then?” she says dumbly.

“It all depends on the partner.” Regina grins at her, almost wolfish. “Come along, now. Why don’t we get something to drink?”

Janis nods, smoothing out her skirt slightly and trailing behind, trying to keep her eyes up even as Regina checks to see exactly where she’s looking with almost expectant eyes. 

The brunette clears her throat, attempting to make conversation: “Why do you enjoy it here?” 

Regina gestures around to the smiling faces, to the man who asks for another round, to the couple in the corner eating their weight in french fries. 

“People are _happy_ , here, Janis,” she says simply. “They have nowhere to be but with each other. It’s wonderful, is it not?” 

Janis can’t think of anything to do but nod, but Regina continues to speak without much thought of whether her companion is agreeing. 

“Spots where I could be seen have become less and less thrilling as time has gone by. It’s much easier to blend in.” She squeezes in between patrons to get the attention of a bartender. “What would you like to drink?” 

“Just a Tom Collins would be wonderful,” Janis answers. She has a feeling she’d like to remember tonight. 

“Two of those, then,” Regina tells the server, handing over some cash before Janis can even process what happened. 

“Regina George, what a ravishing sight you are,” a male voice says, causing a giant grin to spread across the blonde’s face as she turns around. 

“Aaron!” she laughs, moving past Janis to grab his arm. “It’s wonderful to see you. We could have coordinated cars had I known you were coming! Apologies.” 

The man is tall and muscular, his hair falling slightly into his soft, green eyes. There’s a sweetness about him, as though he makes an effort to be kind each day despite the harshness of the world. Janis looks him over. He’s exactly the sort of man that she would expect Regina to be seen out with, and she tries to ignore the way her gut twists at the thought. 

“That’s alright, miss,” he answers. “I’m here with Gretchen, anyway. She was itching to go dancing, but I simply couldn’t allow her to come with Jason again.” He points to a pretty brunette who’s waiting her turn by the jukebox and speaking to another man. 

“You really are the nicest boy in town, aren’t you?” Regina laughs before turning to Janis. “Janis, this is Aaron Samuels. He’s one of my favorite New York photographers and a very dear friend whom I trust quite a lot.” Janis nods her head at him, and Aaron smiles back, slightly off-center and wholesome. “Aaron, this is Janis. She’s a musician!” 

“That’s just wonderful,” the brunet says. “Then you must have such opinions on what’s playing tonight?” 

Janis shrugs, attempting to remain ambivalent as not to upset anybody. 

“I think it’s rather lovely,” she tells him. “Though I’ve never really danced to this kind before.” 

“Would you like to?” he asks. 

“I mean, I supposed I could--”

“Come along, then!” 

He grabs her hand, urging her along before she’s able to so much as ask Regina if she’ll be alright on her own. 

The dance floor smells like sweat and joy, and nobody seems to care about how much they’re bumping into each other. Aaron searches for his friend, but she’s already dancing with somebody else. 

“Well,” he starts. “I would have shown you to Kevin, but it seems that he and Gretchen are having their fun. Would it be alright if you danced with me instead?” 

Janis looks back at the bar to see Regina watching with soft amusement and affection, though she’s unsure if it’s meant for her or Aaron. She turned back to her new dance partner.

“I could give it a try?” She looks up at him nervously. “As of late, I’ve been the one providing the tunes. I can’t say that I won’t step on your feet or trip you.” 

Aaron shrugs, grinning brightly. “I don’t mind at all. Would you like a quick lesson?” 

“Please,” Janis agrees. 

Before she knows it, she feels a tentative hand on her waist, and she can tell by how skittish it is that despite all his posturing, she’s not the sort that Aaron would ever like to touch or get a better look at. All the same, he spins her round, and they both laugh, relaxing gently against each other, knowing that they’re safe with somebody who implicitly understands them. 

When Aaron dips her, Janis sneaks a glance back at Regina once more, thinking of how much she would rather be at one of the corner booths, sharing quiet secrets and laughter with the other woman. 

Guiding her back up, her partner leans closer, speaking in a much more hushed tone than before. 

“How is it that you met our wonderful Regina?” he asks. 

It’s a loaded question. Janis knows it. She can hear a soft protectiveness in the tone. 

“I met her during an interview several weeks ago,” she informs. “I write for Mr. Carr? Down on Fifth?” 

“Oh, yes!” Aaron answers excitedly, swaying them gently. “The photos are rather beautiful in your publication. Plus, I do rather like the film and Broadway critiques by-- is Hubbard his name? Damian Hubbard?” 

Janis nods, smiling fondly at the thought of her friend. “Yes, he's a wonderful writer,” she agrees. “Perhaps another day I could introduce you?” 

“That would be absolutely fantastic!” 

Hope balloons in her chest, silent but so present it almost makes her ache. Maybe Damian is right. Maybe they can both get what they need. 

They dance for a little while longer, waiting for the next few songs to pass before they both drift away from the other, wandering back towards the bar. Janis takes the empty seat next to Regina, who seems more than a bit disgruntled. 

She wonders if she did something wrong. 

“Something on your mind?” She tries to ask it as casually as she can. 

Regina chuckles quietly. “You would think terrible of me if you knew what it was.” 

Janis bumps her shoulder gently. “That’s alright. I already think terrible of you. You’re in the movies. I despise them, remember?” 

The comment makes the blonde laugh louder, makes her loosen up. “Well, if you already think terribly of me…” she teases. “I suppose I wanted it to just be us tonight.” It’s said with such hesitation that Janis barely hears. “I thought bringing you out here that it would just be us. Free to talk and to dance.” She shakes her head to herself. “Is that odd?” 

Janis shakes her head and stands up, holding a hand out. “Not odd at all.” Secretly, she’s warmed at the thought that Regina wanted her to herself. “Now, It just so happens that Aaron just gave me a dancing lesson. Would you like to see what I learned?” 

Regina’s face cracks open into a grin as she nods. 

***

Their dancing is much less careful than the kind Janis did with Aaron. 

They’re pressed closer, barely a breath between them. 

Regina is beautiful and elegant, blue eyes pools of endless wonder, curiosity and barely veiled want. 

At certain moments, Janis feels fingers brush over the back of her neck, down her forearm, over her wrist, and she fights to keep her breath even. Instead, she focuses on Regina’s scent, how she can almost breathe in the scent of future, of longing, of dreams, though it could just be a mix of vanilla and lavender. 

The feeling between them is so perfect that it’s suffocating, especially knowing that it could be destroyed in a single instant, that perhaps it already has been at the mere thought of the world outside the hold they’ve got on each other. 

“This night has been one of the best of my life,” Regina murmurs in her ear. 

Janis doesn’t know how to answer, decidedly only nodding in reply, swallowing the few words on the tip of her tongue, and pulling Regina closer to continue swaying even as other pairs start to vacate the floor. 

***

It’s late by the time they’re out on the curb. 

They’re waiting for a car that Regina had called using the telephone inside, and Janis tries not to stare too hard as the actress fluffs her hair and pulls her sweater tighter around her shoulders. 

“I have decided to buy an apartment here,” the blonde says into the space between them, turning to the brunette expectantly for an answer. 

Janis’ pulse thumps in her ears. “You mean to live here permanently?” 

“Yes.” There’s the tiniest bit of trepidation in the singular word. “There’s increasingly more press here to do, and besides, you know I adore the city.” She meets Janis’ eyes carefully. “And the people in it.” 

They stare at each other for too long, breathing suddenly difficult for both women. Their car pulls up, and it forces them to break eye contact so that the driver doesn’t think anything odd. 

Regina wraps her sweater tighter around herself as they both slide in. She tells the man the address of her hotel first, and just as Janis opens her mouth to give the boarding house’s, the blonde holds up a hand, turning her head to the side to hush her voice. 

“Would you like to join me?” 

Janis gapes for a moment, convincing herself that Regina couldn’t possibly mean what she thinks. 

“Join you where?” She says it as if she wouldn’t drop everything if Regina asked her to go somewhere after this despite the fact that the night is peeking into the early hours of dawn. 

“To the Astor?” The question is filled with fear and excitement. “Would you like to join me at the hotel?” 

Janis replies before she has too much time to think. 

“I would.”

She doesn’t even know what she expects from this. All she knows is that her words of agreement feel momentous, feel like the greatest declaration of who she is inside to date. 

What she knows is how Regina’s fingers continue to dance on the inside of her wrist as they drive to the Hotel Astor. What she knows is that she would trade anything to have this every day of her life; she would risk resenting her best friend, risk a loud life filled with quiet moments, risk others knowing her deepest secrets. 

She would risk everything if it meant that she could have delicate fingers drawing patterns on her skin that make her shiver, if it meant feeling as true and honest as she does right now, driving in a black car down the streets of New York City with a pretty girl’s hand clasped in hers, for once uncaring of the talk, of the illicitness of this affair, though she’s honestly unsure if she can even call it that yet. 

Regina kisses her cheek, innocently enough for the driver not to think anything of it.

Janis quivers. 

Everything is perfect. And for once, it doesn’t feel unbearable. 

It feels exactly as it should. She looks over at Regina, and there’s only one word that comes to mind to describe all of this newness. 

_Beautiful._

***

“I didn’t think I would ever come across somebody such as you,” Regina confesses quietly as she leads Janis into her room, trembling a little as she shuts the door behind them. The room is soft in its semi-darkness, the street lamps casting a gentle glow through the windows. It seems as though Regina has just arrived, as if she didn’t even bother making herself at home, since she’ll be up and gone again within a few days. “I always imagined it was possible, but cityfolk seemed so distant when I was younger.” She unbuttons her sweater and folds it, placing it on the dresser. “You are not from here either. You must know what I mean.” 

In lieu of answering, Janis takes a step forward, successfully maneuvering so that the post of the bed in the center of the room blocks the light trying to force its way into their private moment. She already feels braver, stronger, surrounded by the gentle color of night— Janis is so used to hiding that somehow, it makes her feel more at home-- and it’s enough to make her lean forward, to ghost over Regina’s cheek with the fingers on her left hand. 

There’s poetry to the touch, to knowing that this is the sort of thing that is only theirs, even if it has to happen where no one else can see, where no one else can know. The entire thing feels illicit, wrong, but they’re deep in shadow, so much so that they can convince themselves that they are no longer stuck exactly where they are. 

Janis reaches up with her other hand. 

Regina’s lips part in a quiet gasp. 

“Please don’t,” she murmurs, quivering. “Not unless you really want it.” 

“I want it,” Janis replies without missing a beat, closing the space between them tentatively, carefully until their noses brush, until their lips are pressed together. 

For a moment, they just stand there, innocent in their movements, Janis’ hands framing Regina’s face, bent over slightly so the kiss can be done properly. It’s soft and inspired, the kind that happens in the movies just before the boy and the girl confess their love. 

Janis supposes it’s inappropriate to think such things at a time like this. She pulls away slightly when she feels a hand gripping her hip gently, ducking to hide her blush. She can hear Regina’s breath just as prominent as her own as they both fight for oxygen, fight to recover from this first ever moment of _feeling_ something while so close to another. 

She attempts to take a step back, to be respectful, but Regina shakes her head, tugging her back by the hand she has on her waist. 

“More,” she murmurs. “Please?” 

Janis’ breath catches. This is already so much greater than she ever hoped. 

Regina leans in halfway. 

Janis meets her, shifting her head slightly off center to kiss Regina deeper, heart stuttering at the feeling of a tongue prying at the seam of her lips. She opens her mouth gently, trying to breathe in through her nose as their bodies press closer together until she can feel Regina’s chest against her own, can feel every inch of her trembling. 

Janis is aware of how much of a privilege it is to see this side of the blonde, knows how different this is for both of them, to feel like they’re touching somebody who cares genuinely, that _sees_ them and hears them, and for it, just once, not to feel frightening beyond compare. 

It feels like they’re being honest for the first time, like surrendering to that harrowing thought of being known, and before she can think any further, Janis is pressing Regina against the door they came in, arms securing around her waist. 

In return, Regina wraps her arms around Janis’ neck, forcing the brunette closer until not even air can fit between them, whispering, “I had hoped it would feel like this.” She gasps quietly when Janis’ nails scratch at her back through her dress and then wander up, studying, memorizing every inch of curve it finds, trying to commit every single ridge to memory. “I had hoped all of that interest you showed in me when we first met meant you would want to do this, meant you could make me feel like this.” 

Janis’ throat grows dry; there’s a gentle bit of sweat trailing down her neck. 

“You knew?” she asks, curiosity coming through in her voice. “How?” It scares her a bit, to know that maybe others could be privy to her most personal matter. 

Regina pushes up to kiss her, and suddenly, her thoughts go quiet, even as the other woman pulls away gently to reply. 

“You…” she trails off, enamored by dark, searching eyes. “You treated me different from the moment we met. You never pushed me.” She reddens softly. “You just listened. You made me feel like a girl. Like I was human.” 

The words make Janis’ heart pump faster. She never knew she could do that to somebody, but Regina seems so earnest in her confession, in her feelings, in her experience, that she can’t fight it. 

Instead, she just kisses her again, rougher, this time, with a yearning so strong that she can feel it bubbling in her chest. Regina returns her touches with just as much fervor, and the magnificence of it almost feels blinding despite the fact that they’re still under the cover of night. 

These seconds are easily the best of Janis’ entire life, and the kiss is most definitely the only one that’s ever made her feel like this. 

She remembers kissing boys that she knew weren’t interested in her, boys she wasn’t interested in either. She remembers tasting normalcy on their lips, hoping that she could wrap herself in it just so she wouldn’t feel so very alone in this world.

She remembers trying to kiss boys because it’s what she was supposed to do. 

She can’t fathom why she ever did that. Not now, not with the soft hold around her, the touch on her lips that’s telling of something gorgeous. It makes her feel as though the world is about to shatter, like she’s about to be ruined for the rest of her life. It makes her wish that this was her normal, that she could find safety in the other girl’s irregular heartbeat even though she knows that in this time, in this life, they could never be afforded luxuries as large as their own freedom to love. 

It’s painful, and it’s disastrous. It’s addictive in all the wrong ways, and she wishes she could go back to before tonight, wishes she had just stuck to dancing with Aaron. She wishes she had seen this coming, wishes that this were all just a dream and she’d wake up tomorrow without the devastation that’s taking hold in her chest at the thought of letting some girl that leads a life much faster and more glamorous than her own into her heart so readily. 

If she were smart, she would put a stop to this, break her own heart so that she could at least find the pieces afterward. But something about soft hair and dark eyes makes her stupid. So very stupid.

And so she just kisses back, moves her hand up to touch Regina’s chest until the blonde is moaning quietly into her mouth, finds misplaced safety in the other girl’s heartbeat anyway and thinks that maybe she’d rather drown in this than turn into any semblance of what she’s supposed to become. 

She holds on tight, feels giddy at the way she can finally understand Elvis Presley’s songs, and slides her eyes shut. There’s a hand in her hair, hope in every breath she takes. 

Regina leads her to the bed, and Janis has the stray thought that they could love each other, sometime, some day, in another lifetime, and as they study each other and Regina straddles her hips, she finds herself pressing her thighs together for some relief, her pulse thumping deep and rough throughout her entire body. She wanders a hand beneath the blonde’s skirt and kisses her neck, smiling when she feels a matching racing heartbeat under her lips. 

Experimentally, she nips over the spot, shivers running down her spine as she hears a quiet whimper in the dark. She does it again, her hands shaking a little when the sound comes back, louder this time. 

It causes the ache in her gut to grow almost unbearable, and when she pulls Regina closer, she loses her breath when she hears the woman whisper her name with a reverence so true and wonderful that it almost sounds like prayer. 

She’s content to do this all night, just to share these quiet moments in the dark, to take in and memorize the scent of the other woman’s perfume, but then, Regina is pressing closer, guiding Janis’ hand to the zipper on her dress, murmuring a plea. 

Janis couldn’t even refuse if she tried. 

The world continues to turn outside, but at least in this room, in this moment, it's as if they've made it stop on its axis, made it pause, in order to give them enough time to learn each other, to know each other, in a way they were never able to with another before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... what did you think? if you enjoyed, i'd appreciate if you dropped me a comment/kudo to make me smile. 
> 
> audrie, i know today didn't start out the strongest, so i hope this made up for it even a bit. love you. 
> 
> as always, i'm @ifthebookdoesntsell on tumblr. my askbox is always open for whatever is on your mind. 
> 
> be safe x


	3. even if we're just dancing in the dark.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis awakens to light streaming through the windows and a new sort of ache between her thighs that makes her pulse pound in her ears.
> 
> The bed is empty beside her, and for a moment, she thinks the worst. But then, she pushes herself up onto her forearms and catches sight of Regina on the balcony, a cigarette against her lips and an almost-see-through dressing gown wrapped around her shoulders. 
> 
> “Good morning,” Janis says roughly, holding the sheet over her chest before confessing: “I thought perhaps you’d gone.” 
> 
> Regina shakes her head, blowing out a ring. “I just like to have a morning smoke.” Her eyes track the movement of the city down below. “We’re also at week’s end. I don’t schedule business endeavors on the weekend. Only pleasurable ones.”
> 
> (Or, the ways they learn to love despite their circumstances.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. me again lmao. as has become the pattern, logging on to make a not so good day better. this chapter is definitely more explicit than the previous ones (which tbh i kinda think is why some of you are here ;), in which case more power to you) but just thought i'd give y'all a heads up. 
> 
> for this whole chap, i really do recommend listening to the playlist that i made for this fic. i think it'll really help to set the mood :)
> 
> (chapter title from dancing in the dark by bruce springsteen, other parts of the chapter inspired by a few taylor swift songs that have been playing steadily while i wrote this including don't blame me and cruel summer.)

Janis awakens to light streaming through the windows and a new sort of ache between her thighs that makes her pulse pound in her ears.

The bed is empty beside her, and for a moment, she thinks the worst. But then, she pushes herself up onto her forearms and catches sight of Regina on the balcony, a cigarette against her lips and an almost-see-through dressing gown wrapped around her shoulders. 

“Good morning,” Janis says roughly, holding the sheet over her chest before confessing: “I thought perhaps you’d gone.” 

Regina shakes her head, blowing out a ring. “I just like to have a morning smoke.” Her eyes track the movement of the city down below. “We’re also at week’s end. I don’t schedule business endeavors on the weekend. Only pleasurable ones.”

Janis’ breath catches a little at the words, but she does her best to not read into it too much. She can’t tell a single thing from the other woman’s face, and she isn’t sure if that’s a good or bad thing. She drums her fingers on the sheets for a moment before she moves to get out of bed. 

“It would be best if I got going.” It’s not like Janis wants to go. But Regina has also made no indication that she would like her to stay. 

Besides, it’s not like she’s ever experienced anything of this sort before. She supposes it’s only respectful to leave, to give Regina time to think over what they’ve done. 

She watches hesitation play out over pretty features as she watches the blonde think, and hope balloons in her chest slightly, confirmed when Regina speaks.

“Would it be best?” 

The brunette wants to make sure she heard right. 

“Pardon?” 

“If you want to leave and forget tonight, I’d understand,” the blonde says, turning away. 

Janis looks at the back of her head in confusion. She would loathe to forget last night. It was the most wonderful thing to happen to her.

“Regina?” she starts quietly. 

“I would rather not hear it, Janis,” Regina interrupts, taking another puff from her cigarette before putting it out on the ashtray. “I’m perfectly used to hearing it. I know what you’re going to say.”

“Was last night enjoyable for you?” 

Janis' heart aches when she sees how surprised the actress is at her words. 

“Sorry?

“Did you enjoy yourself?” she asks again. “Last night. Was it good for you?” She drops the sheet from where it was pulled up over her chest, her heart pounding faster when Regina’s eyes snap to the newly bared skin.

She takes a deep breath. 

“It was, Janis,” she says gently. “It was very much good for me.” For a moment, she lingers, staring out the window before she looks back towards her companion, striding over and undoing the top few buttons on her gown; she hadn’t bothered to do the lower ones. 

The fabric falls aside, and Janis takes Regina in, all soft curves and harder lines, free from the normal constraints of hairspray, makeup, and over-the-top outfits. Everything about her is perfect, the weight of her breasts, the softness around her hips. She’s hunched a little, relaxed in Janis’ presence, and it gives the brunette more time to study her, eyes roving over the slopes of her shoulders, over milky thighs. 

She’s awed to think that she’s touched Regina, that she’s felt every inch of her, that she felt the other woman’s arousal so deeply, helped to quench it. The only thing she regrets is that there’s simply no way she can get over this, no way that she can deny any longer that having another woman next to her-- beneath her, inside her, just _close to her--_ every day is all she wants. 

“Though the real measure-” Regina begins, inching ever closer- “is whether the night was good for _you_?”

“It was the best one of my life,” Janis confesses, before she collects every ounce of confidence she possesses upon seeing the blonde smile at that. “Now, would you like to come over here?”

Finally, Regina crosses the final space between them, placing herself in Janis’ lap without a second thought. She leans closer until they’re pressed so close that not even air can fit between. Arousal zips through her when Janis feels a hand on her chest, feels it squeeze gently, teasing, and she doesn’t miss the slickness the paints over her abs when the woman in her lap grinds down.

_God._

Regina is already ready for her, ready for her mouth, for her fingers, to be filled, to know every secret thought Janis has had, every dirty, forsaken wish that she’s locked away. 

“Please,” Regina murmurs. “Will you touch me?” 

She leans her head to the side, wandering her hand up to tangle in soft brown hair and urge Janis to kiss at her neck. The blonde relaxes into it, gasping when the woman beneath her reaches up to hold her breast, the other taking up position between her legs. 

Janis’ movements are purely instinctual, the sort that she’d thought about doing to herself but never dared. She finds Regina’s clit almost immediately, circling gently, blushing at the wetness that’s beginning to coat her fingers and palm. 

When she was in school, sex was rarely talked about, but sometimes, Janis would quietly hear girls discussing what it felt like to be touched, all of the little areas that make arousal spark low and hot, how sweet it is to pleasure somebody else, to make them see brightness and some type of God behind their eyes. 

Janis understands what they meant now. She flips them, laying Regina down gently on the rumpled sheets. She can feel the woman trembling in her arms, groans when the blonde pulls at her hair, locks her ankles behind her back. 

She moves her hand downward, traces Regina’s entrance with the tip of her index finger, smiles when she hears the woman moan and gasp.

“That’s perfect, Janis. _Oh--”_

“I can make you feel even better,” Janis promises. “Can I make you feel good, Regina?” 

She wonders if Regina will be turned off that she’s asking, at the slight shyness of the words, but instead, it makes the blonde whine against her shoulder, makes her grab at Janis’ back and pull her closer. 

_“Please, yes,”_ she chokes, a whimper escaping. “I want you to. I need _you--”_

Suddenly, Janis can’t resist any longer, can no longer imagine continuing this gentle dance. She needs Regina too, doesn’t just want her. 

She needs to know they’re each other’s in this moment, needs to know what the woman looks like falling apart in the light of day. She longs to know Regina like this, so fully, to understand her in a way that she’s never understood anybody before. It’s the kind of feeling she gets just before an article is released, or before the lights go up and her fingers are resting on the keyboard, readying themselves to play. 

These are the only instances she can remember in her life where absolutely everything has felt right. She’s grateful to add another to her list. 

She presses even closer, deeply wonders if they could stay like this forever, tangled up in the bedsheets, these soft versions of themselves held together by each other. 

“I want to give you what you need,” Janis manages, whispering the words into her hair. “I want to make you feel good. I can; I can--”

She slides a finger inside, pulling back and adding a second without another thought, curling them softly, using her other hand to help guide herself down the woman’s body, kissing her collarbone, the slope of her breast, before taking a hard peak into her mouth. 

_“Fuck,”_ Regina whines, fully unguarded for the first time in Janis’ presence-- even last night she seemed unsure-- but now, it feels different for both of them. “ _Please, fuck--”_

Janis’ heart stutters, wetness pooling between her thighs as her breath catches, pressing her fingers deeper, searching, exploring for the spots that make Regina wild. 

“I’ve got you,” she whispers, guiding her thumb up to other woman’s clit, circling, waiting, pressing, until the woman begins to quiver beneath, wanting, _needing--_

 _“Please,”_ Regina gasps again, head tipped against the pillows, eyes squeezing shut so tight that a few tears escape and drip onto the sheets. 

Janis knows what she’s asking for, hears Regina whine as she pumps her wrist faster, presses over her clit.

“ _Please make me come--”_

“I’m trying, Regina,” she breathes, speaking low and sweet into her ear. “I want to make you feel good. Just relax.” She ghosts her lips over soft skin. “I’ve got you,” she repeats. 

There’s a throbbing between Janis’ legs as she watches Regina silently agree, watches her head tilt back further as if she’s seeing heaven, her back arching, everything about her perfect and gorgeous. Janis can’t help but feel like she has everything important in the world right in her grasp. 

“I want you to come,” she murmurs. “Will you come for me, baby?” 

At that, Regina nods vigorously, hips pressing forward as every part of her seems to understand how special this is, how wonderful it is to be held, to feel safe. She comes hard, clenching around Janis’ fingers, crying out, eyes squeezed shut, perhaps just in case this is but a dream. 

She clutches to her, face buried in her neck, hands grasping at her back for something to hold onto, to ground her from this terrifyingly wonderful feeling of letting go, of handing over the reins for just one moment. 

Janis doesn’t stop, smiling when Regina falls apart again, and somewhere deep, somewhere new, she feels the need to touch the blonde again, put her mouth on her, see how many times she can make her come, how many times she would need to before Regina could be hers, only hers, with both of them knowing it to be true, though she has her suspicions that perhaps they already belong to each other in a way that normal folk could never understand. 

“You’re beautiful,” Janis whispers, knowing that if she speaks above that level the quiver in it will be too evident. “You’re so beautiful, Regina.” 

She pulls her fingers gently away, watches as the blonde’s stomach dips at the sudden emptiness. Softly, she helps Regina lie back on the pillows, kisses her forehead and then lies down with her, rubs her hips, traces soft patterns over her stomach, her back. 

Regina hums and smiles, happy and sated. “Dear Lord, Janis,” she murmurs. “That was perfect. I have never felt like that.” Her eyes are clear and blue, much less stormy than they were even an hour ago. “You’re so good to me.” 

Janis doesn’t know how to reply back, her throat suddenly dry with Regina looking at her with such curiosity, such adoration. She can barely breathe when she feels a hand wandering up the inside of her thigh. The pleasure is simpler than what she gave the blonde, but she doesn’t mind at all, searching for her orgasm against the palm of Regina’s hand, knowing full well that later, once they’ve rested, the woman will return the favor, perhaps with her mouth again as she did last night. 

The thought makes her shiver once more, but she holds herself to coming a single time, to savoring a quieter sort of pleasure that’s mostly made up of drawing patterns over soft skin and memorizing every facet of Regina’s pretty sapphire gaze. 

They’re both still breathing hard, a cool relief settling in their chests. The city outside has officially begun its day, but despite the sounds of cars and businessmen on the street below starting to fill the room, this is the most at peace either of them have felt in longer than they can remember. 

It’s nice to feel safe in their own skin for once, to feel as though the world cannot touch them, cannot beat them down with the truth of what they are compared to what they are supposed to be. 

Their noses brush as one of them leans in for a kiss-- neither of them really knows who-- and it feels even more intimate than minutes prior when Janis was knuckle deep, trying to help Regina find her release. 

Regina giggles into the kiss, purposefully nuzzles closer than necessary, and when their lips touch, it seems that Janis finally realizes the gravity of what they’ve done. 

She begins to tremble, suddenly unsure of her feelings, of what it all means, but simultaneously falling in love with the way Regina’s breath feels against her lips. 

“It’s alright,” the blonde murmurs to her, pressing forward to kiss her again, barely brushing their lips together. “We’re going to be alright.”

Janis feels a sob in the back of her throat, her heart suddenly tight.

“You deserve better than this,” she mumbles, tears welling at the corners of her eyes. “You deserve better than me, than keeping secrets. You deserve more--”

“Hey,” Regina whispers back, pecking Janis’ lips. “Look at me, baby.” 

Janis can’t. 

She surges forward, buries her face in the blonde’s bare shoulder, lets her tears fall. 

Regina allows her to cry, and she’s glad, grateful that at least she can steal another moment of safety, have just one more instance where they’re each other’s before the blonde realizes-- 

“Nobody has ever treated me as well as you,” Regina whispers. “Nobody is better than you. I want nobody but you.” 

Janis feels a few tears in her hair, feels a nose against her scalp. 

“I want nobody but you either,” she manages. 

They cry together, the air between them-- around them-- solemn, quiet, as if it understands that this is the sort of thing that can’t be taken back, as if it is trying to help both women understand as much as well. 

***

Janis wasn’t raised devoutly religious. As a child, she was used to going to church on Sundays because the town’s culture dictated so. 

Most times, she felt okay with it, felt some sort of safety between the wooden pews, but she always knew in some deep part of her that her faith was only temporary, and almost completely due to the fact that she grew up in a town that centered around the church and God. She hasn’t been back to the house of God in five years. 

That is, until this quiet Sunday morning, sitting beside Regina, the same Regina who she touched, committed sin with, and somehow found that missing faith she’s been quietly hoping to find again, just so that she could believe that the world had a plan for her, that she wasn’t alone. 

With the towering ceilings and marble everywhere, Janis feels small again, feels that quiet swooping in her gut that used to appear anytime she would enter the church back home as a kid. 

It’s not something she loves, nor is it something she hates. It just feels different, knowing more about the world, knowing what it is to struggle and not find salvation. 

Clearly, she’s thinking too much, because Regina places a hand over hers where it’s resting on the seat of the pew. 

“I’m glad you’re with me,” she tells her quietly, lacing their fingers together. “Thank you for agreeing to come along.” 

The blonde is quite the sight in her Sunday best: a modest, soft pink dress that’s pleated on the skirt with a simple white cardigan over it and black slip-on flats. The shoes look a little worn on the heel, as if Regina has made a habit of tapping them against wherever she’s sitting. 

Janis smiles when she hears the telltale rhythm against the wooden pew. 

“I’m happy to do so,” she replies. Her outfit isn’t as nearly as fashionable as Regina’s, as she had barely taken time to sneak in, shower, and find the first acceptable set of clothes while Ms. Norbury was out purchasing groceries, but it does well enough: a simple white blouse, a black skirt, and her favorite pair of simple, everyday work shoes. 

She’s glad nobody had seen her, especially since her eyes still feel slightly raw, and she’d be lying if she said she isn’t a little shaky on her feet after a night filled with such newness. She can’t imagine what would have happened if any of the other girls or her landlady had asked her where she had been. 

Janis is fully aware she can’t share what she has with Regina with anybody, that she should feel some sort of shame because of their secret, but she can’t find it in herself. She has no regrets about being with the blonde, and there’s absolutely about the night that she’d like to forget. For the first time, she felt worthwhile. 

And she isn’t willing to let that go. 

Of course, she’s still afraid, but much of that fear was tempered by the fact that when she awakened after she’d sobbed herself to sleep, Regina was still there rubbing her back, murmuring that they’re going to be alright. 

So when the blonde had nervously asked her if she’d like to come with her to church for the Sunday morning service, she couldn’t find it in herself to say no, was unable to find a shred of trepidation. 

Janis finds that Regina could ask her to go just about anywhere and she would follow without second thought. 

She’s so in awe of the thought that she barely notices when Regina gets up to make one last prayer, closer to the altar now that the others participating in the service are starting to leave. 

Curiously, Janis watches her, blushing when Regina looks back at her when she gets off her knees. She tosses her a smile that somehow communicates utmost joy without a single tooth showing, the kind that’s declarative that absolutely everything is right in the world. 

Blue eyes glow with mirth the longer Janis stares, eyebrows raise. 

And in this moment, on this winter day in New York City, within the walls of the very place Janis vowed to never enter ever again, she falls irrevocably in love with Regina George, and suddenly, so quickly, she understands why everybody says she’s going to be a star. 

The only difference is that Janis is aware that the gorgeous woman she’s felt beside her, beneath her, above her, has always been one. 

***

Janis’ life only gets better as the next few weeks pass by. 

She books her first solo show at the North Club and Theater. Of course, there would be a drummer and a saxophone player to help her along, but _she_ is headlining the ticket, will be the reason why people come or didn’t. There is something exciting about the fact, about seeing if those who really told her she was talented, that they would come see her, meant it. 

She’s quite exhausted most days, especially since she’s still working at the magazine in the mornings, but Janis enjoys the busyness, the feeling of being wanted in more than one place at a time. She spends much of her free time practicing on the upright piano in the basement of her boarding house. The brunette had offered to pay her landlady a fee, but Ms. Norbury was so excited that she booked her show that she waved her off with a request for a ticket when the time came and a _don’t be silly, child!_

At the same time, Regina has been continuing to run the press junket for her newest film, having several photographs taken and meeting many other interviewers. She’s also been receiving new scripts, a few of which the blonde has told Janis may be filmed in the city. Due to expenses, it’s rare to find movies that plan to take place in New York and be authentic to location, and Janis knows that Regina is looking for any excuse to stay close to her. 

It makes her heart flutter. 

Still, for now, the actress is able to do as she pleases, money flowing in somewhat steadily from royalties and other late payments from her film. 

Lately, she’s spent much of that cash on Janis. 

The two women saw each other every day, whether if it’s for a few minutes in Regina’s hotel room, swapping pecks, or meeting for meals during the week, trading sips of cocktails between bites of tea sandwiches and heavier menu items at supper time. Afterwards, they take strolls along the sidewalk or venture back into Madison Square Park, find a bench, sit close with the tips of their fingers just barely touching, Janis’ coat or cardigan wrapped around Regina’s shoulders if she ever got too cold. 

Weekends are saved for Shane’s Place and dancing, drinking and even sometimes fancier parties, the kind with agents and directors and actors. Janis can’t deny that she often felt out of place at these, surrounded by celebrities and outfits that she surely could never afford. 

She does love the moment when the parties turn more anonymous, though, when the men start to grow tipsy, the women hang onto their arms, and Regina finds a quiet moment to drag her out to the obligatorily well-kempt garden with flowers adorning each railing and others blooming happily from the soil, a steady sereness in the air. Here, they spend most of their time at the party-- after Regina has done her networking for the evening. 

They sway for hours, just like they did the first night at the bar, bathed in the light of the setting sun and breathing each other in. The winter chill doesn’t even spread into their bones; they’re pressed so close together that warmth is abound in their little bubble away from prying eyes. 

“I like that you’re with me,” Regina says, face pressed into Janis’ neck. “These parties used to make me feel terrible. They were always terribly lonely.”

“Didn’t you have dates?” Janis asks back softly, equally parts sympathetic and relaxed, safe in the blonde’s arms. 

“I did,” Regina hums in reply. “But they seemed more interested in what was underneath my skirt than what I had to say.” Her fingers play with the baby hairs on the back of Janis’ neck. “They never seemed to want to know a thing about me.”

“Well I would like to know everything,” Janis declares into her ear, heart soaring when she feels Regina smile against her neck. 

“Where shall I start?” the blonde mumbles. 

The other woman holds her tighter, squeezes her hip. “Wherever you’d like. Tell me anything you want.”

At that, Regina presses a gentle kiss to her neck, and Janis feels as though their pulses must be thumping in unison. She’s never felt so connected to another. She doesn’t even care that nobody else knows it aside from Damian and Regina’s real confidants.

For several more seconds it’s quiet, but then, the blonde nuzzles closer, not too much so that it would be deemed anything more than two tipsy friends holding on to each other. She begins to whisper about her childhood self, about her demanding parents and the mistakes she made. She tells Janis how she never understood her schoolmates’ attachment to home, how she always felt out of place but somehow continued to win Spring Fling Queen-- which she told her lover was essentially the equivalent of prom-- her junior year before finishing her remaining credits over the summer so she could get out of town as quickly as possible. 

She speaks nothing of regret, of anything she left behind undone. Going on, Regina starts to describe the things that seem like they don’t matter, but also somehow tell Janis the exact bit of _everything_ that she wants. 

When Regina was ten, she got a few cold sores and was so terrified that she went to the only clinic that was in walking distance and declared she was sick and dying. The blonde giggles in her ear, remembering the story, and in turn, Janis decides for herself that the woman in her arms is simply the most enchanting, gorgeous thing she’s ever seen. 

The woman continues to discuss that which is even more inconsequential, and Janis finds herself falling deeper in love with every passing minute. 

Because of this, it’s only fair that she tells Regina of her past as well; perhaps she’s hoping that the blonde will fall along with her. 

Janis describes Damian’s mother, how she always welcomed her, describes school performances where nobody came to listen, making an effort to return the talk of all those tiny things that aren’t important but are also the most important in the world. 

They avoid the tragedies in their lives, the hurt, the inherent secrecy of their existences. Instead, they enjoy the freedom that comes with dancing in the dark, with holding each other close, blindly grasping at this soft moment where if they try hard enough they can see a promised land in the other’s eyes. 

Just for a moment-- just as Regina promised-- they are alright. 

Just for a moment, they can allow themselves to be happy. 

Janis twirls Regina. She laughs. Everything is alright. 

They take a black car home-- Regina ordered it since it’s much more comfortable than a normal cab-- and Janis doesn’t think much of it when her companion asks the driver to put the divider up. 

She’s appreciative of the privacy, anyway. 

For several seconds, they sit in silence, but then Regina is grabbing her wrist, showing her hand to her inner thigh beneath the skirt of her new, pretty pink dress. 

_“Regina,”_ Janis chastises quietly. “We can’t do this now?!” 

The blonde looks over at her with as much innocence as she can muster. 

“But you’re my date,” she whispers back. “It would be a shame if you broke form from the rest of them, wouldn’t it?” 

Janis hesitates, unsure how to proceed, but when she turns to meet bright blue eyes, there’s an underlying longing there, the same kind she herself feels when she wants to reach out for Regina’s arm in public. 

She looks ahead one last time, sees that the little door that can open and close is still shut before she walks her fingers further up Regina’s thigh, slightly, rubbing the skin back and forth gently. 

“It would be a shame,” she teases in return, wandering her hand even higher until the woman next to her flushes.

They both smile softly as Janis leans in for a kiss that could be perceived as two innocent, drunk friends, soften their eyes just for each other, grow breathless at the riskiness of their moves, and feel their hearts beat quicker when a love song they used to think silly comes on the radio and suddenly every word is so clear, so true, that it makes them both ache beyond comprehension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading this chapter! what did you think? if you enjoyed, considering dropping me a comment/kudo to let me know. it would really make me smile. 
> 
> audrie, i did say this would make you gay, so i hope i've achieved that. 
> 
> as always, i'm @ifthebookdoesntsell on tumblr. my askbox is always open for whatever you've got on your mind. 
> 
> be safe x


	4. look after you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is it alright if I love you?” Janis asks softly into the dark once they’ve grown spent and lie back against the pillows. “I have been hoping to ask you for days now.”
> 
> Regina hums. 
> 
> “I am difficult, sometimes,” she replies.
> 
> “I do not believe you difficult.” Janis turns onto her side to look at her, reaching out to rub at the other woman’s stomach in the way she knows makes her drowsy. “There is a difference between keeping yourself safe and being difficult.”
> 
> “I feel safe with you,” Regina mumbles. 
> 
> “Is that not love?” Janis muses. 
> 
> (Or, the one where they are finally able to understand their love.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all. back at ya with another chap. since this is the penultimate chapter, i thought i'd share with y'all the main inspiration for this fic. anybody who knows me irl/semi irl knows that i love poetry so much, so y'all won't be surprised lmao. the thing that really inspired me to write this fic is a poem called ["luminescence" by jess howard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_JXPgr4z4A). they use the metaphor of stars, which the more i thought about it the more i connected it to mean girls, along with the simple fact that they discuss the color blue and what it is to hide which immediately made me think of rejanis. 
> 
> i understand if poetry isn't your thing (it certainly isn't everybody's), but i highly encourage anybody who reads this to listen to it before you read this chapter/after you finish the entire story. 
> 
> anyway, all of this is to say that the inspiration for this fic comes from a lot of forms of media. i hope y'all are enjoying it because it's definitely been a rollercoaster to write. 
> 
> (chapter title from look after you by aron wright.)

“Is it alright if I love you?” Janis asks softly into the dark once they’ve grown spent and lie back against the pillows. “I have been hoping to ask you for days now.”

Regina hums. 

“I am difficult, sometimes,” she replies.

“I do not believe you difficult.” Janis turns onto her side to look at her, reaching out to rub at the other woman’s stomach in the way she knows makes her drowsy. “There is a difference between keeping yourself safe and being difficult.”

“I feel safe with you,” Regina mumbles. 

“Is that not love?” Janis muses. 

Gently, she scoots closer to Regina, laying her arm out to silently invite the other woman to snuggle closer.

The blonde smiles. “I suppose it is.” Her brow furrows. “We have been loving each other all this time, then?”

Janis smiles at the thought. “Yes. Yes, we have.”

Blue eyes begin to droop. Regina buries her nose in her lover’s shoulder. “In another life, we would be brilliant.” 

The brunette squeezes her eyes shut, tries to imagine. “Yes. Yes, we would.” She looks down at the blonde. “Darling?”

Regina is already asleep, peaceful in her arms. 

***

After several more evenings out with Regina, Janis is almost able to think what they have is normal. 

That is, until she comes home one night, shoulders aching from rehearsal and feet sore from an all around long day. She’d spent a few hours with Regina over lunch, and it made up for some of the hard work, but she still wishes they could have had another night together, though they decided it was too risky during the week. 

Normally, there’s nobody at the door at this late hour-- which is why she likes to come in at this time-- so she’s quite shocked to find one of the other girls who lives in the boarding house, Daisy, rushing up to her with a smile so wide that Janis is more than a little worried that her face might crack open. 

“Janis!” she says excitedly. “We’ve been waiting for you to return!” The woman sticks her hand out. “I wanted to tell you the absolutely perfect news in person before I’m off. I’ve been engaged!”

Janis can’t help but gape at the size of the diamond, pulling the blonde’s hand closer. It’s truly a wonderful piece of jewelry. Daisy’s fiancé must be well-paid. 

“How marvelous!” she exclaims genuinely. “I had no idea you were seeing somebody so steadily.” 

“We’ve been seeing each other for almost a year now!” the girl tells her, practically floating. “He’s quite a gentleman.” She blushes bright. “He asked Ms. Norbury for her blessing since my parents are no longer with us.” Daisy waggles her fingers. “This will be you soon, yes? You and that Damian seem rather close.” 

She winks. 

Suddenly, Janis is too uncomfortable for words. She thinks of Regina, thinks of how they can never have this, can never show their acquaintances a ring that is a marker of the other.

“That remains to be seen,” she tries to joke. “I’m really happy for you, Daisy.” She means it. “I hope that we’ll all receive invitations?” 

“Of course!”

Daisy grins wider. Janis doesn’t know her too well, but she’s glad that the girl seems happy. For some reason, she wishes some part of her was jealous, wishes some part of her was willing to tell Daisy how lucky she is, but the only thing that sinks into the pit of her stomach is resignation and anger at this world in which they’ve been forced to exist. 

***

“A girl at the boarding house is engaged,” Janis says, blushing a little as Regina cuddles closer to her and noses at her neck. 

It’s Saturday night, and Janis had told Ms. Norbury that she would be staying with a friend for the weekend. She isn’t normally one to fib to her landlady, but Regina finally got her own apartment, and the blonde seemed eager for her to see it. 

It turns out she was more eager to break in the bed, not that Janis is complaining. 

“That’s nice,” the blonde hums, scratching gently at the base of her lover’s spine. “Winter is the best season for engagement, then there’s time to plan a summer wedding.” 

Janis stares at the ceiling, ghosting her fingers over Regina’s back.

“Do you ever think what it would be like?

The blonde presses a kiss to her pulsepoint. 

“What do you mean by _it_ , my love?”

The brunette blushes at the term of endearment, suddenly so shy as she mumbles, “Being… being with a man. How would it feel?” 

“Oh, that?” Regina giggles. “Darling, I’ve tried it. It is nothing very marvelous.” 

The words make Janis laugh, but she shakes her head. That isn’t what she was asking. 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” She pulls away slightly so that she can look at Regina properly. “I think you know what I meant.” 

Silence hangs heavy between them for a moment. They both know what she means. It’s impossible not to wonder what it would feel like to have a love that could happen in the light, impossible not to just think for a moment what it would mean if their happiness wasn’t a liability to their dreams. 

“Of course I think about it,” Regina whispers, kissing Janis’ nose quickly just to see the way it makes her blush. “Is it too daring to say that any woman like us would?” 

The brunette shrugs.

“I don’t think I could be an accurate judge of that, quite honestly,” she confesses. “I have never known any other women who… share our interests.” 

Regina’s eyes widen in surprise. Janis rushes to fill in the blanks. 

“It must be the small town that won’t leave me,” she jokes. “Their favorite hobby was always gossiping!” She flushes bright red. “It isn’t like I enjoy loneliness.”

The blonde softens, taking her hand. “I apologize, darling. I didn’t mean to judge.” 

“No trouble,” Janis murmurs, kissing her forehead. “I guess some of it could be considered my own fault. I have the numbers from countless bars that Damian wishes for me to call, and sometimes I do, but honestly, I think I’d be too frightened to ever really go to one.” 

“You? Frightened?” Regina teases. “I wasn’t aware that was on your resumé, Janis.”

The other woman rolls her eyes, but there’s no bite to it. Her lips twitch around a smile. 

“You know,” the actress begins, taking her lover’s hand. “There’s a party next weekend. My friend, Karen, is hosting. She’s quite similar to us in the regard that we’ve been discussing. I would love if you were my guest.” 

Janis heart pumps faster at the proposal. These are the parties Damian has tried to invite her to, the ones where nothing illegal is allowed-- that is, besides most every participant at the gathering. 

_Nothing illegal on you but your own heart,_ her best friend had once said, so simple, so matter of fact that it caused a sort of melancholy to well up in her chest. It’s why Janis always cared, always tried to avoid her curiosities, but now, Regina is asking, so softly, so innocently, and part of her wonders how it would feel to be surrounded by those who were like her, and maybe even those who weren’t but didn’t even mind that she loved different. 

She smiles softly and nods before she can think any more about it. 

“I would love to be your guest, Regina,” she tells her softly, leaning over for a kiss. “I can’t think of anything more wonderful.”

The blonde blushes in reply, meets her in the middle, and giggles when Janis pushes her onto her back and starts to tickle at her sides. 

**

The Friday evening before Karen’s gathering the next day is sweet, so much so that Janis almost feels guilty for where she’s going later. Ms. Norbury is being extraordinarily nice, having offered to take Janis, Cady, and Damian out for supper. The place is nowhere near as nice as those she’s gone to with Regina-- she also feels quite terrible for comparing such things-- but there’s a soft comfort about it as well.

It smells of fresh baked pastries and heaping kindness. 

“I do appreciate you inviting me, truly,” Damian says to the landlady, unwrapping his napkin from around his utensils. “Nobody really invites me out.” 

Ms. Norbury looks absolutely confused at the thought. 

“But you’re such a sweet boy!” she exclaims, patting his shoulder. “I’m sorry, dear. I am sure your companion is waiting for you somewhere.” 

“Hopefully.” The man smiles back at her, though somewhat sadly, and again, Janis wonders if she could introduce him to Aaron. 

Her fondest ambition would be to introduce him to Regina too when the time is right. He already knows most things about her, about the nature of their relationship, but the thought of her two favorite people meeting makes her smile. 

“Just look at Daisy,” Ms. Norbury urges. “She met her fiancé at work. I’m sure that you could find somebody at the magazine.” She cracks a smile. “And besides, there’s nothing quite wrong with finding somebody at the bar.”

“Ms. Norbury!” Damian cries, faking indignation. 

The three women at the table explode into giggles, taking bites of their messy, delicious sandwiches. The air is familiar between them, and Janis finds herself genuinely enjoying herself. She begins to take a sip of her iced tea when there’s a tapping on her shoulder. 

When she turns around, she almost spills on herself. 

“Hello Ms. Sarkisian,” Regina greets. “What a nice coincidence to run into you here!”

Janis almost flinches at the use of her last name on the other woman’s lips. Afterall, she’s heard her curse, heard her breathe late at night, heard her voice her pleasure in most every way possible.

“It is rather nice,” Janis answers, standing up to touch Regina’s arm gently as the only gesture that would be proper at a time like this. “Have you been made friendly with my fellow suppermates yet?” 

She knows the blonde hasn’t. She knows that they were waiting for the right time to introduce Damian and her lover. She also knows it would be odd if she didn’t allow everybody to at least say hello to each other. 

Regina looks past her, waving. “Pleased to meet you. My name is Regina. Regina George.” She studies Janis’ friends briefly. “You must be Damian,” she decides first, pointing to the man. “Nice eyes and glasses.” She reaches out her hand for a shake before moving on, not even acknowledging the blush that forms on her lover’s best friend’s cheeks. “I don’t think you could be anybody except Cady,” she laughs. “Pretty red hair and innocent blue eyes. Ms. Sarkisian told me you were the one who came to tell her that I was on the telephone.” Cady nods, suddenly unable to speak but reaches out her hand all the same for a shake. Regina turns to the last occupant of the table, putting on her most charming smile yet. Janis tries not to let it affect her, though her heart starts to beat quicker as the blonde’s eyes flit over to her briefly, her gaze smug. “And last, but certainly not least, Ms. Norbury, yes? I hear you’re the finest landlady around this city.” 

Ms. Norbury smiles at her, clearly impressed. “Well aren’t you just sweetest girl! I remember speaking to you on the phone. It is wonderful to put a face to the name. Would you like to pull up a chair?”

Damian and Cady seem equally eager, especially the man, who obviously cannot think of anything more thrilling than getting to know Janis’ secret lover. Even the brunette finally settles into the idea of Regina sitting down. 

Instead, the blonde shakes her head. 

“I’m terribly sorry, but I do have to be going. I was just buying a few pastries to have with my sister.” 

Janis stiffens. She’s never heard anything of Regina having a sister. For a second, she thinks that maybe the blonde is trying to figure out a way to refuse a meal since they haven’t discussed their public story, but when she glances at the door she sees a younger blonde woman with similar features to her lover. 

She looks back at Regina, eyes questioning as she observes a clear weight on the other woman’s shoulder that wasn’t there when they last saw each other privately. The blonde has always been a private person, even with Janis, but she always seemed to allow stress to fall right off her. Not this time. 

Janis can sense the difference, which is the only reason why she leans a bit too close to be proper when Regina starts to wave goodbye. 

“‘Gina?” she murmurs, briefly touching her hand. “What is it?

Regina sighs. “I cannot tell you now, Janis. Would it be alright if I called you tomorrow morning?” 

“Of course,” Janis whispers back. “Please be safe.” 

Regina nods, touching her back briefly as she begins to walk away. 

“She’s so sweet,” Ms. Norbury says to the table, rolling her eyes as all three of her younger dinner companions watch the actress go. “Is she from some picture you young folk like or something?”

“Several,” Cady clarifies with a grin. “She’s a massive deal.”

***

Regina calls the next morning just as she said she would, sounding even wearier than the prior day when she tells Janis, “I cannot pick you up today to go to the party. I have to spend more time with my sister.” 

“Would it help at all if I came along?” the brunette offers without thinking, wanting nothing more than to have a few extra moments of her lover to make her smile. 

“You’re sweet, darling,” the blonde says into the phone. “But I think this is something I have to do on my lonesome.”

Janis frowns even though Regina can’t see her.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Perhaps bring your two friends?” the woman asks. “The two I met at your supper? I can order a car and ask Gretchen to pick you up!” 

For a moment, Janis tries to think clearly about the invitation. Damian would be alright, sure, but she has no idea who Cady’s interested in, how she would feel if she found out that it’s not that Janis doesn’t have time for a boyfriend or a fiancé but rather that she would prefer a gorgeous woman on her arm. 

Cady seems sweet, though, too. She’s always wondered if she _swung more than one way_ , as Damian always said. Now would be the best of nights to figure out such a thing. 

“Alright,” she whispers into the phone. “I’ll invite them. I’m sure they’ll be grateful to have somewhere to go.”

“Wonderful,” Regina answers immediately. She pauses before softening her voice and telling her lover, “I cannot wait to see you tonight. I’m sure you’ll love ravishing. I missed you.”

Janis blushes. “I am sure I will not look quite as good as you, but thank you.” She hears Regina try to protest, but she blazes on. “I missed you as well. Maybe we can have some alone time at the party?” 

She can practically hear Regina’s wolfish smile when she answers, “I would love nothing more.”

***

Janis isn’t sure what to expect from what she’s heard about Karen Smith. She’s heard the talk of her before when she’s been to clubs, about a rich woman who lived in an ostensibly glass closet who didn’t care what others thought. She’s supposedly magnetic, supposedly gorgeous and wonderful and most everything good in the world packed into one soul. 

Still, Janis is unprepared for the pure light that radiates off of the woman when she enters her large living and dining space. She has the most golden hair, hazel eyes that seem to shift slightly from minute to minute, and pink lips painted with shiny pink gloss. 

“Hello there!” she exclaims, studying her new guests. “All three of you are so pretty.” She narrows her eyes. “From the looks of you, you must be the Lion’s guests, yes?” 

“Excuse me?” Cady asks.

Janis interrupts. “Yes.” Regina had told her of the code name she has in her _alternative circles_ as she called them. It seems most everyone has one. “Regina-- I mean Ms. George-- invited us, and Gretchen, here, is her assistant.” 

The shorter woman nods, though she seems transfixed by Karen. Janis taps her softly. 

“Right!” Gretchen blurts out, grabbing for her pocketbook and pulling a slip of paper from it. “Ms. George said this would get us in.”

Carefully, Karen plucks the card from the assistant’s grasp, smiling when she reads it over. 

“Ah! This is wonderful.” She folds the paper and holds it in her hand, using it to point to the three new guests much to their embarrassment. “Now I can put faces to names. I have a knack for such things, you see. Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! Soft curls, babyface, a perfect nose: you, sir, are Damian. I’m rather glad you’re here. We are always short on men of your sort.” Damian beams back at her. She continues on. “Fiery hair, gorgeous eyes, shorter.” She winks. “Décolletage that’s to die for. You are Ms. Cady Heron.” 

Cady blushes as red as her hair, attempting to nod. Janis and Damian look in amusement. There’s one question for the night answered. 

Finally, Karen turns to the last of them. Janis feels so studied under her gaze. 

“Tall, cropped brown hair, the kindest of eyes: you must be Regina’s girl, Janis.”

“Gosh, I knew it!” Cady says gleefully, trying not to smile too hard. “I knew it from the moment she called yesterday and you tripped down the steps.” 

Janis blushes hard. 

_Is it that obvious? Does everybody know--_

“Not to worry, honey,” Karen murmurs gently. “We are all excellent at keeping secrets here.” 

Still, Janis’ heart beats out of her chest as she looks around the party. Many look much like her, though there are more women dressed in panted suits than she’s ever seen before. She longs to be one of them, her dress suddenly uncomfortable as she notices for the first time that the hostess herself is stressed in a suit, vest and all. She admires it, about to ask where she could possibly find one when--

“Janis, darling?” 

Janis turns around quickly at the sound of her name off familiar lips, and she swears for a moment she forgets what it is to breathe. Regina is descending the stairs, a sight in a perfect strapless white dress with a slight dip in the chest, a stoll wrapped around her shoulders. Janis’ eyes can’t seem to stay on her face, gaze dipping down to her bare legs, the fine heels that her lover picked out. She feels as though she’s burning up. 

“Wow. Your girl is gorgeous,” Cady whispers in appreciation. 

All Janis can do is nod. 

Finally, the blonde gets to the bottom of the staircase, pressing forward to hug her and kiss her cheek before anything else can be said about it. 

Janis still stands stunned. Karen watches in amusement.

The brunette is conscious of how close the blonde is pressed, how she can feel every inch of her. It’s silly, but she was promised time alone, and now, it’s all she can think of. 

“Oh!” Regina cries. “Where are my manners?” She reaches over and shakes the hands of the other two guests. “I’m so glad that you two decided to tag along. I knew this would be exactly your scene!” 

“Thank you for inviting us,” Damian and Cady chorus together. 

“No trouble.” Regina waves them off, turning to her next order of business that she clearly planned out carefully. “Now, Karen, Gretchen, have you two met? I think you two would hit it off so well.” 

Her assistant blushes, opening her mouth to protest when Regina tugs her forward. 

“She is quite beautiful,” Karen muses, smiling down at the brunette. Gretchen flushes harder when the blonde in front of her grabs her hand to look at the ring she’s wearing. “And this is just lovely. I trust it does not mean you are involved, though?”

Gretchen shakes her head. “No. I am perfectly unattached.” 

“Marvelous,” Karen replies. “Come now, let me get you a drink! And you two!” She gestures to Damian and Cady. “Come along too. I do believe that Aaron is at the bar right now, and there are several other men _and_ women who I’m sure would love to dance.”

Janis taps her best friend’s shoulder. “Aaron is the photographer I told you about. He’s simply lovely.” 

Damian’s eyes widen as he realizes what she means. He looks as though he wants to ask more, but Cady is dragging him along with a wink at Regina who looks at the redhead gratefully. 

“What is it, dear?” Janis asks dumbly. 

“Nothing,” Regina hums. “I just do believe that I was promised alone time tonight. I have the perfect place.”

***

They’re alone in one of the upstairs bedrooms. 

“I missed you,” Regina says, reaching up to press their lips together.

“I missed you as well.” Janis kisses back without thought, wrapping her arms gently around the blonde’s middle. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” The woman blushes, pressing ever closer. “So do you.” 

For a moment, they just kiss, hands wandering softly before Janis grins into it and presses Regina back towards the bed. 

She notices that there are several trinkets and photographs scattered around the room, as if somebody has made themself at home, but she doesn’t think much of it, all consumed by the feeling of Regina’s body against hers and the absolute sight she is dropping her stoll at the end of the bed and pulling Janis on top of her. 

They stay close, Janis’ lips on Regina’s neck as she trembles under the touch, presses her hips forward, gasps quietly. Regina holds the back of the brunette’s head softly as they both attempt to heal whatever’s been broken inside by the world since they last were able to do this. 

Janis touches her love so tender, kisses her everywhere she can possibly reach, opens her up slowly. She breathes every compliment she can think of, every affirming thought, all the while reveling in Regina’s whines and requests for more. 

She tells her that she loves her, that she’s the most brilliant girl she’s ever spoken to, ever seen, that she wishes the world were kinder to them. 

She crooks her fingers just right, licks at Regina’s clit, basks in the moment of relief she can provide her lover when she hears her sigh and moan as she falls apart, toes curling and fingers tangling in Janis’ soft hair. 

Janis brings her hand up to touch the blonde again, to tease over her, but she feels a shaking, the grip on her hair falling away.

“Regina?” she murmurs, looking up. 

The blonde is covering her mouth, but it’s clear she’s holding in a sob. 

Janis rises up to look at her properly. “What is it, darling?” 

Regina’s irises have that stormy, pained quality about them from supper yesterday when she meets their gazes. There’s the same wisdom Janis saw the first time she peered into infinite ocean eyes, but this time, they seem older, more attuned to the world’s harsher qualities. 

“Did something happen with your sister?” Janis remembers a photograph she saw when she entered the room, one of a younger Karen and Regina, and a third girl, too, who looks oddly familiar. It clicks. That third girl is her lover’s younger sister, though it’s unclear why she would be in a photo with Regina and her friend if the woman beneath her hasn’t gone home in over ten years. 

The question causes a cry to tear from Regina’s throat. She looks away and wipes at her eyes, trying to laugh and make light of the situation. “Don’t worry. It isn’t your mouth that did this.”

Janis resists the urge to smile at the joke. “Then what did, ‘Gina?” 

She reaches out to touch the other woman’s cheek, feeling her own eyes prick with tears when she feels how the blonde quivers under her touch. 

“I don’t know, Janis,” Regina murmurs, looking up at her, blue eyes wide. “I adore you for wanting to listen, but I’m unsure you would like what you hear. I am wholly different when with others that are not you.” 

“Remember? I would like to know you. Everything.” She kisses the tears from the blonde’s cheeks. “Besides, that isn’t something I’d mind. Are we not always different people when away from each other?” 

“I suppose,” Regina agrees. “Are you sure you’re okay with knowing my heaviest of burdens?”

Janis nods. “I just want to know you.” She kisses the blonde’s cheek. “Let me look after you.” 

“It’s truly dastardly work.” Regina swallows hard, tangles her fingers in soft brown hair. “Everybody says so.”

“Not for me,” Janis murmurs. “Not for me, darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. what did we think? you'll notice those last few lines are similar to an orestes translation by anne carson, which is one of my favorite greek plays by euripides, so that's where the thought for that came from. 
> 
> if you enjoyed, consider leaving me a comment/kudo below. it would make me smile :)
> 
> as always, i'm @ifthebookdoesntsell on tumblr. my askbox is always open for whatever is on your mind. 
> 
> be safe x


	5. luminescent.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis thinks of calling Regina, waiting outside of her apartment until the blonde exits, or perhaps even paying a cabbie to hold the horn down until she comes outside, but ultimately, she knows the woman needs her space and will eventually reach out. 
> 
> Still, she doesn’t expect to enter her room and find Regina George sitting on the edge of her bed, looking quietly distressed.
> 
> “Ms. Norbury let me up,” she informs, trying for a smile. “There were so many dresses in the closet that I wasn’t sure if it really was your room.” 
> 
> Janis isn’t sure what to say. She had declared that she would like to know her love, every bit of her, and the next few days had been radio silence. It’s strange that the blonde is appearing now, however glad her heart is to be in her presence again.
> 
> They stand in silence. Their lack of words says more than anything. Before this week, they simply could not stop speaking, always wanting to know something new each time there was quiet between them. 
> 
> “Is something wrong, Regina?” Janis finally asks. 
> 
> (Or, the one where they figure things out as best they can.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks! happy to be back with the final chapter just before my finals week really starts off. also happy to add those new tags in case anybody was following those :eyes:. i promise that this will have a happier ending than that (afterall, this is a gift fic), but it is heavily inspired by that! 
> 
> audrie, i love you. so much. i hope you enjoy this last installment.

It’s been three days time since Janis last heard from Regina, and she’s starting to grow rather worried. They’d spoken most every day, even if it was for a brief few moments outside one of their places of living. 

She thinks of calling her, waiting outside of her apartment until the blonde exits, or perhaps even paying a cabbie to hold the horn down until she comes outside, but ultimately, she knows Regina needs her space and will eventually reach out. 

Still, she doesn’t expect to enter her room and find Regina George sitting on the edge of her bed, looking quietly distressed.

“Ms. Norbury let me up,” she informs, trying for a smile. “There were so many dresses in the closet that I wasn’t sure if it really was your room.” 

Janis isn’t sure what to say. She had declared that she would like to know her love, every bit of her, and the next few days had been radio silence. It’s strange that the blonde is appearing now, however glad her heart is to be in her presence again.

They stand in silence. Their lack of words says more than anything. Before this week, they simply could not stop speaking, always wanting to know something new each time there was quiet between them. 

“Is something wrong, Regina?” Janis finally asks. 

The blonde smiles humorlessly; it’s enough to send a chill through the brunette. 

“Do you ever think of having a normal life?” the woman asks. “I mean, especially considering that you’re still waiting to be discovered.”

Janis tries not to be hurt by the comment. “There’s still time for me,” she tries to say, as confident as she can muster. “But why ask me this now?”

“I didn’t get the part in the film,” Regina answers, tears suddenly welling at the corners of her eyes. “The one that would have kept me in New York.”

“Oh, darling,” Janis murmurs, approaching quietly to sit by her on the edge of the bed, wrapping an arm gently around the woman’s small frame. “Well, there’s always another, right?”

Regina shrugs. “Or I could just call it done. Perhaps my parents were right.” 

Janis’ heart drops into her stomach. 

“You cannot think like that,” she urges. “The woman I love would not simply just quit.”

“Perhaps you don’t love me, then,” Regina snaps. 

“Baby,” the brunette says in disbelief. “You cannot mean that?”

Regina scrubs a hand over her forehead, fingers touching at a few pimples, clearly disappointed in herself that her skin isn’t perfect. 

“Just look at me, Janis,” she says quietly, tears falling. “I’m not as I was when we met. You said it yourself! I seem a quitter!” Her hands tremor where they’re flexing on her knees. “I’m foolish to think that I could let you love me.”

“But I do!” Janis feels herself breaking in two. “Let me love you. I wish to make you happy.”

Regina shakes her head, trembling under Janis’ gaze, as though she cannot bear the weight of the love she finds in them, as though she’s almost sure that she doesn’t even deserve it. 

“I can discuss this no more now. I’m not in my right head.” 

“Regina--”

“I will call you another day.” She gathers her things from where they were on the bed behind her. “I will. I promise. Apologies if I ruined your day.” 

Janis wants to go after her, but by the time she’s processed what has happened, Regina has rushed down the stairs and out the door. 

***

The next few days, it’s nearly impossible for Janis to focus. Everything around her world feels melancholy; it’s as if she’s underwater, as if she’s finally drowned in the blue that is Regina’s perfectly ocean eyes, and, fittingly, it’s raining. 

Which is how Janis ends up wandering into a news and magazine stand on one of the corners while on her way home from work, looking for cover from the downpour the Friday after her lover ran off, desperately searching for a reason to deny their love for fear that perhaps she was unworthy of it. 

Of course, it’s also the day where Regina’s newest press hits the shelves. 

As soon as she enters, the blonde seems to be surrounding her from every angle, which is more than a little laughable since she’s all Janis has thought about for the past two days. 

She looks at the photographs on the front covers, an array of black and white prints that have all failed to capture the normal light that Janis has always seen in Regina’s eyes. 

An employee in the corner—who’s placing the last new magazine that will fit on the end of the shelf— turns to her. 

“Would you like one from the pile? It’ll be in better condition. We’re overstocked.” He shrugs, looking towards the back room where his boss is presumably collecting something else to put out. “I assume you’re a fan, from the way you’re looking at her.” 

Janis opens her mouth to tell the man that the woman he’s gesturing to is actually her sweetheart before she remembers she cannot. Instead, she nods, grabbing one from the top of the pile and flipping open to the first page. 

Another photo of Regina. 

The blonde looks even emptier than on the cover, and if she didn’t know better, Janis would think she always looks this way: black and white, devoid of light, begging for somebody to notice the screaming color beneath her skin. 

Hopefully, Janis does a quick scan of the copy, but even there her love seems subdued. She closes the magazine and places it back on the top of the pile. 

“I probably should save my dollars,” she tells the employee, trying to find an excuse. 

He nods sympathetically. “Understandable. This issue doesn’t seem particularly interesting, anyway. Nobody wants to read so much of something with one word answers from the subject.”

Janis swallows hard, unsure how to reply. 

Regina has always been pages and pages of the finest literature to her, has always been so open. Most days, she looks to be even a footnote, to even get close to what the woman has made herself into, though she knows that behind closed doors Regina is nothing more than a girl who wishes to be loved, wishes to have a biography written about her by somebody who really knows her, who will put hearts next to her name and across the jacket of the hardcover copy. 

“I suppose we must remember that she’s probably going through something too,” she tries to say. 

The man shrugs. “She chose the life she has, did she not? So many of us long for that.”

Again, Janis doesn’t know what to say, but she is sure of one thing: this is not the Regina she knows. 

***

Regina rings the next day, and honestly, Janis isn’t shocked. She knows the blonde too well to think that the woman would throw away what they have so quickly. She tells her to come over, that Ms. Norbury will let them alone upstairs, and she both loves and hates the way her heartbeat speeds when Regina accepts the offer. 

Janis dresses herself up more than normal-- usually whatever she wears ends up on the floor-- she wants to look prepared this time. She pulls on a skirt and blouse, applies some makeup to the bags under her eyes, and then she waits on the edge of the bed for the telltale shy knock of her lover. 

When Regina finally enters, it feels more serious than before. She closes the door behind her, clicking the lock into place before she wanders close, hesitating when she leans over slightly. Her eyes drift down to Janis’ lips, and Janis’ mirror the movement. 

“Hello,” Regina murmurs, lips twitching at how transfixed the brunette is by the pink of her mouth. 

“Hello,” Janis manages to reply, gasping softly when the blonde finally closes the distance. 

For a moment, they sink into it; it’s soft, sweet, much more tentative than any other kiss they’ve shared aside from their first. There’s curiosity, but it’s measured; there’s a quiet steadiness about it, though that doesn’t mean it feels any less adoring. 

They both only come to their senses when Janis wraps an arm around Regina’s neck and pulls her down until she’s flat on her back with her lover on top and they hear a crash in the kitchen downstairs. 

“I’m sorry I ran, darling,” Regina says quietly, sitting back on her knees and allowing Janis to sit back up. 

“That’s alright,” the other woman says immediately. 

“But it’s not,” the blonde corrects. “I was terrible. I have been feeling disenchanted with my life, yes, but I should not have put that onto you.” 

“I wouldn’t mind if you did,” Janis reminds. “We could talk about what has been distressing you now, if you’d like?” 

There’s a pause. Janis wonders if she did something wrong, but then, Regina is scooting forward on the bed, pushing her backwards once more, and cuddling against her side. She maneuvers herself so that she’s comfortable, kicks off her heels accompanied by two thuds as they hit the floor before she presses her nose to her lover’s sternum and begins to speak, hushed, as though she’s telling a secret. 

Janis is pretty sure she is, and every part of her warms at the thought that she is being trusted by somebody so guarded, so terrified of being seen. 

“My sister used to come visit from time to time,” Regina confesses. “I missed her, and she missed me. I even took her to a few functions when I was just beginning in the business. Karen absolutely adored her. We used to have a grand time, the three of us.” 

Janis is unsure why this would be so terrible, but clearly, something happened. She can tell by the uneasy way Regina’s fingers are tapping a pattern on her stomach. 

“And then what happened?” she prompts. 

“The visits stopped,” the blonde mumbles. “I finally got a letter from her months later saying that our parents found out that they didn’t want her seeing me anymore.” Blue eyes start to well with tears. “And then she just showed up last week out of the blue. I wasn’t aware she was going to come. I didn’t know she was in the city until she stopped me in the lobby of my building.” 

Janis can feel the woman quivering in her arms. She rubs her back.

“She came to tell me our father lost his job, that they sent her to ask for me to fill their bank account until they get back on their feet. It’s been so long. They caught me once, you know. With a girl. That’s why I’m not allowed back home.”

Janis lies there stunned, feels her blouse grow wet with hot tears. She’d always thought Regina so careful and also so sure that no matter what obstacles she faced she could talk her way out of most anything. 

“My sister told me they said they’d make do with having me back if I fixed their problem.” 

Suddenly, a burning heat takes over in Janis’ stomach. 

“That’s terrible!” she exclaims. “How dare they--”

Regina pats her chest gently, smiling softly. “Don’t get angry now, darling,” she urges. “I haven’t given them anything. Not yet. I’d like to see if I can at least keep seeing Kylie before I make any decisions. But they _are_ my family,” she whispers. “Is it so terrible to say that I’ve missed them at times?” 

Janis wants to tell her that it is terrible, that she’s all the family Regina needs, but she knows that isn’t what the woman needs to hear. She also knows how untrue it is, considering she hasn’t seen her family in five long years and thinks about them some days too, like when she met Regina and knew her life would be different forever, or when she booked her show. She too thinks of calling them, or figuring out a way to be wanted, even if she absolutely despises herself for it. 

Still, she knows that Regina shouldn’t have to go through this, that she shouldn’t have to endure the days she has, shouldn’t have to be used by the people who are supposed to love her most in the world. Regina should have everything, Janis thinks. 

“It isn’t terrible, my love,” she finally says. “But I hope you always remember there is somebody who wants you right beside you.”

“I know.” Regina nods, cracking a watery smile. “I want you too.” She heaves herself up, kissing the tip of Janis’ nose before grinning wider down at her. “Come to a party with me.” 

“Pardon?” 

“A party, Janis,” Regina repeats. “Like old times. We can have a grand time! It’s at the home with the garden again. I’d love to dance with you. Please?”

Janis nods. “Alright then.” 

***

It does feel like old times when they sneak past the garden gate after Regina has made her rounds. They hide beneath the balcony one level higher for a moment when they hear chatter, steal the softest of kisses, and Janis thinks that perhaps this is what it is to seal one’s fate. 

She’s destined to love Regina, no matter how dreadful or burning or painful it can feel sometimes. She’s sure of it. Her heart beats for nothing else but these moments. 

Regina leans her head on her shoulder, and Janis basks in the knowledge that she’s in love, irrevocably so. 

They stay in silence for a while, enjoy the steadiness of drowning in each other, in the music they’ve come to love. It’s jazz, the exact kind of tunes that Janis has rambled on about in the post coital glow when Regina will listen to her talk about almost anything as long as she holds her close. 

“This is your favorite, is it not?” Regina asks. “Miles Davis?”

Janis smiles softly. “You remembered?”

“Of course. This song is beautiful.” The blonde kisses her shoulder softly. “As are you.” 

At that, Janis spins her around, twirling her until they’re pressed front to back and swaying out of sight of the rest of the guests. 

“Sweet talker,” the brunette teases. 

Regina giggles.

 _Maybe we’re alright,_ Janis thinks. 

***

“Are you excited for my performance tomorrow night?” Janis asks later that night once they’ve had their fill of each other, tangled together like the most familiar pair of shoelaces. 

“So very,” Regina answers, lolling her head to the side to look at her. “Though I do have a photoshoot outside the city just a few hours prior. But I promise I’ll be in the front row!” 

Janis’ heart stutters. She opens her mouth to say something, though she isn’t sure what.

“I want you to be there,” she finally decides to mumbles. 

“I just said I would, didn’t I?” Regina asks, leaning over to kiss her, as if that will banish any worry in her lover. 

“You did,” Janis concedes. 

“Then why must you worry, darling?” The blonde presses their lips together once more. “Tomorrow is your big day! Let me help you get a good rest before that.” 

Janis is about to ask what she means when suddenly, Regina is descending lower, kissing over her stomach, until her head is between her thighs. 

_“Oh,”_ she gasps. 

She feels Regina smile. 

They both forget all else. 

And yet, somewhere deep, somewhere Janis keeps locked away for her most private thoughts, she still wonders if Regina really will be there. 

***

Janis is on her last song for the night, singing softly into the microphone, her voice crackling softly through the speakers as her fingers dance over the keys. 

All night, she’s been searching for her lover, waiting for her to fill the empty seat in the front row she’d saved just for her. There’s a decently sized audience, and Janis knows she should be grateful, but certain parts of this performance had only been for Regina, and now, she’s nowhere to be found. 

There’s still a rush from performing, from being seen, being looked at, but it’s dampened by the fact that somebody is missing. She launches into a quiet piano rendition of the Miles Davis song she and Regina had danced to last night-- she’d added it into the set last minute this afternoon when Duvall had advised an encore-- but now, she regrets it. Her fingers stumble across the keyboard, missing a C sharp. 

She tries to focus on the notes, knows that there’s a reviewer in the audience. Part of her wishes to cry out, to add an improvisational bit and decidedly grow angry, bang the keys so loud that perhaps Regina will hear her wherever she is in the state, maybe Long Island or one of those little country towns with pleasing scenery, but she doesn’t. Instead, she places the last chord, nods at her backing band on stage, and attempts to bask in the standing ovation she receives when she stands. 

She takes a bow. 

And then another. 

And then another. 

But none of them make her feel quite as whole as she did last night, or really any night showing Regina her favorite musicians and the moves to go along. 

Finally, she waves everybody goodnight, gestures to the other players, and heads backstage to where several of her friends are already waiting. 

Damian is first, who hands her a large basket of flowers and chocolate, whispering to her quietly that if she were a man, he would have just about fallen over himself when she improvised a top chromatic scale down to a set of chord progressions that were dizzying even for him. 

Then, Cady, who has to reach up for a hug. She’s in heels, but she still isn’t eye level, and it makes Janis smile. 

“Those empty seats missed out,” the redhead murmurs, and Janis looks at her gratefully. 

“Thank you for coming,” she replies. She’s glad to have found another friend in this city that seems to have taken from her more than it’s given.

“I’m so proud of you,” Ms. Norbury finally chimes in, gently nudging Cady aside. “You were quite brilliant. I knew all those nights down with the piano would become something!”

“I’m so glad that you could attend,” Janis answers. “You truly are too kind to me.”

“Nonsense, child!” the landlady replies. “I’m positively overjoyed that I can say one day that I know a celebrity! Now, why don’t you get changed? I’ll take us all out for a night. My treat.” The woman hesitates for barely a moment before she adding, blushing, “You could invite that Mr. Duvall, if you’d like?”

Janis bites her lip around a smile. Regina may not be here, but at least there’s still a possibility of love tonight. 

“I’ll do that right away,” she promises, patting the woman’s shoulder before she turns around and heads in the direction of the dressing area.

She cradles the several bouquets of flowers she got as well as the basket Damian gave her, finally kicking the door open to her room when she sees--

“I think your version is better than Mr. Davis’.” 

“That may be a stretch,” Janis manages. “Though I didn’t even know you heard?” 

“I did,” Regina promises. “I heard you dedicate it to your special somebody. I was blushing in the back row.” 

“I thought you didn’t come,” the brunette admits, looking away both ashamed of her doubt and saddened that she ever had to have any. 

Regina’s eyes grow wide at that. “I said I would, darling!” She swallows hard before she softens. “I will admit that I almost didn’t.”

She takes a step forward. 

And then another. 

And then another. 

“I realized the time when we were halfway out the city.” 

Janis turns back to her quickly, her heart suddenly beating out of her chest. Her next thought is shameful. She isn’t proud of it; she asks anyway. 

“You missed your shoot for me?” she breathes, her voice tinged with hope and barely veiled longing. “You turned the car round?” 

Regina nods, closing the final distance between them and kissing her cheek. 

“I did,” she replies. “I couldn’t miss this. I couldn’t miss _you._ I would be but a fool to let you go.” 

Their gazes meet. Regina’s eyes twinkle. Janis’ heart stops, just like that first day they met, just like every day after that. 

_Yeah, we’re alright,_ she thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The song is My Ship by Miles Davis (1958).)
> 
> thanks for reading! i really hope that you enjoyed this last installment. thank you for sticking me if you've been reading since the first chapter, or if you've just stumbled across this fic and decided to give it a try. i really appreciate it. i know that this isn't exactly the lightest piece at times. 
> 
> also! below is a list of all the things that inspired me to write this. i really hope that you check out these awesome pieces of art if you haven't already. i promise they'll be well worth your while. [here](https://ifthebookdoesntsell.tumblr.com/post/637537201979293696/a-masterlist-of-all-the-things-that) is a spoiler filled breakdown, if you would like to read about how these things relate to the story!  
> 1\. luminescence by jess howard.  
> 2\. orestes by euripides (tr. anne carson)  
> 3\. thunder road (live) by bruce springsteen  
> 4\. no surrender (live) by bruce springsteen  
> 5\. the promised land (live) by bruce springsteen  
> 6\. ocean eyes by billie eilish  
> 7\. baby, you are my religion by marie carter (book), quote from myrna kurland  
> 8\. happiness by taylor swift (off evermore)  
> 9\. tolerate it by taylor swift (off evermore)  
> 10\. la la land dir. damien chazelle
> 
> as always, i'm @ifthebookdoesntsell on tumblr. my askbox is always open for whatever you've got on your mind.


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